It has been a  beautiful month and at this point, all I want to say is 'thank you'. I have a few things to say and I have said them here so please watch.


There was a battle in my mind. It was full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This was a documentary on how I won!

Have a great 2020!

I don't feel like writing today but I am learning that I don't only do what I feel like, I do what I am supposed to.

Creative Corner

True Talk

I'm starting to get lazy about making these entries daily. But, we bind laziness! Amen, Amen. 😆

The Battle

Creative Corner

True Talk

Crime in transplantology by Gift Ogwa
I've really felt proud of my work this cycle because I put my heart and energy into it. It felt extra good to get recognition for it too.

I don't think I remember having so much to fight about in my mind this past two days. I've been calm and enjoying the moments.

True Talk

I am very sleepy at the moment. My daily routine includes my taking mid-day naps and I didn't sleep today. I feel a little out of place.

The Battle

Creative Corner

True Talk

Veintidós!

My Spanish is getting a lot better. I keep throwing the little Spanish I know around. I should warn you that it's not going to get any better. As my Spanish improves, I'm going to write a lot more in Spanish and who knows, maybe one day, I'll have a whole post in Spanish.

The Battle

Creative Corner

True Talk

After this documentary, I think the next one I should do should include something related to food. And before my mind decides to cop out and say that I should fast, I actually mean something related to me eating.
Oh, by the way, I haven't said anything yet. No one should send me any message asking about anything concerning food. 😩😩

I have bad eating habits. I don't think that I am mature enough to care about what I eat and when I eat. The thing is that I get cranky when I'm hungry. But do I usually save the planet from further harm by eating so that I can prevent 'wars'? No. No, my dears.
That's how I was even feeling lightheaded in church today but to Jesus be my glory.

Creative Corner

It's been 10 days since I said I wanted to do something creative every day. It didn't really work like I thought it would. I know that I could be more disciplined and push myself a bit more but what happened was that it didn't happen.

I'm going to try again for the next 10 days but this time, there's a plan.
Day 1: Write something
Day 2: Shoot something
Day 3: Design something
Day 4: Film something
Day 5: Say something
Day 6: Write something
Day 7: Shoot something
Day 8: Design something
Day 9: Film something
Day 10: Say something

Let's see how this goes!

True Talk

I've been trying to remember a quote so I can quote the quote correctly. 😂 Something like, 'it's not that you dash dash dash, you're just not doing the things that spark joy for you'. I have probably destroyed the quote but I think you know what I am referencing. Can you remind me, please?

I was very sleepy in class today. I guess the whole group was sleepy because some of us took turns in sleeping. My teacher looked like he hadn't gotten enough or any sleep at all too. So today was a gathering of sleepy people. I think I yawned 25 times. 😩
Yesterday, I mentioned that I had an assignment that I was working on. The thing is that I had a presentation to prepare for class today. I stayed up till almost 3 preparing. Hence, my sleepiness in class.

I had just 14 slides, 3 of which were not primarily relevant to the topic. When I finished preparing, a part of me was annnnnnoyed! So, it was really 11 slides that had me up late. (insert tears). I figured out that I could have slept earlier if I didn't spend as much time designing. But do I care? Yes, no, maybe.

I actually felt really happy with myself. It felt good to do something and enjoy it, joo get? Today, I had one of those rare moments when I felt happy after class. That's because today, there was a combined expression of things that I like; public speaking, teaching (which is really public speaking too), design and medicine.

I'm feeling a little extra so here's what my presentation looked like.
Follow up -Kidney Transplant by Gift Ogwa

I was actually feeling a lot extra so I made a whole video. 😩



Today, I was thinking to myself. I haven't been as anxious as usual in a while. We can say that's progress right? I like this. It's amazing how much control you'll realize that you actually have over your body and your mind when you decide to not just go with the flow but to determine what the flow is. Am I deep or what?

There's a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

I'm behind schedule, again, but here we go.
Honestly, I haven't had time to think and collate today's happenings into something arranged and readable. In my head, today's post will be short.

Today started off pretty regular, I went for my class. Usually, after class I would get into 'bonnet mode' but I have an assignment to do before my class tomorrow, yes I have a class tomorrow, Saturday. So, I started off.

I went to visit someone today too. I think that I should do that a lot more. Being around people helps me feel better.

I am currently overwhelmed by a bunch of emotions. It's the good kind of overwhelmed, I promise. Today is such a memorable day for me.

The words aren't coming like I'm used to. Isn't it weird how when you have so much to say, you can't find the words to say them? Today, I'm happy. I'm reminded that I have amazing people in my life. Today, I'm happy. I'm reminded that I have the best gift in my life.

I know that today's entry is a little all over the place but my mind is a little all over the place too.
I'm happy. One day, I'll share the details of my joy on this blog but for today, let's be happy together.


There's a battle in my mind. It's full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2, I hope.

I thought I wouldn't have the motivation to write today. I was honestly contemplating not writing. I was thinking of what excuse I would give. In my mind, I was like, 'well, it's not so bad if I break the streak'. Now that I think about it, I wonder what I would have told my close friends because they would have asked about what was up.

Some Context

Creative Corner

First off, an apology. I'm sorry that today's entry is late, I had cell meeting.

Today was quite a bleh day. It occurred to me that I really don't do much. I legit just go to class and come back. My friend often teases me that once I go out and return, I'm back to the bonnet life. The Lord knows that if I have my way I'll walk the streets of Lviv with a bonnet because I don't really care like that.
On a more serious note, I want to figure out how to spend my time productively. I feel like my time is just rolling by and as much as I am doing things, I am not doing things that I think are the most productive.

I've been doing the Jackie Hill Perry Jude study and she said something that convicted me today. She said 'it's hard for us to pray simply because it's hard for us to remember how much we need God'. It hit me!!! I often want to depend on myself and think that I can do things by myself and so I forget to just pray and just pray.

I keep learning and re-learning that I need to be honest in my conversations with God. That I can tell Him about my struggles, that they aren't too heavy for Him to bear.

Cell meeting was amazing. I love spending time with my small family. I like to come at them with random questions that'll make them think. Just in case any of my cell members reads this, I have a confession to make. Yes, I actually think of questions to ask you guys. Yes, it's quite fun to pick at your brains and see what exactly you think on different topics.

I didn't do anything creative for today's post. I wasn't sure of what to do and I didn't exactly have the motivation to do. Well, I wanted to write out my creative expressions. Does that sentence even make sense? What ways do I express myself creatively?

• I write poems. Most people associate me with my poetry although I think I have written fewer poems this year than I usually do.
• I shoot shots. 😂 I am a very amateur photographer.
• I tell stories with videos.
• I am an amateur graphic designer. I'm coming guys, soon.
• I speak? It's been a whiiiiile since I did spoken word poetry and I think I am losing the skill but it's still there sha.

Let's start off from where I stopped yesterday.
Little brother, if you like get annoyed that I am calling you little brother, shake your head, twist your face, yen yen yen, you're still my little brother. Brother, I am so proud of you and it's such a beautiful thing watching you grow. I'm emotional because it was only yesterday you started school and now you're in uni. I'm proud of you. I'm very proud of you. I love you. (you better tell me back).

Yesterday, we were talking about taking walks. I'm proud to say that the walks I took today were the walks to and from class. I am not even ashamed, especially since I was seriously considering not going to class. See eh, it be like that some days.
Tomorrow is the last day in Surgery cycle and God knows that I am looking forward to the end of it. I am tired. Today, my teacher was asking questions and the whole group was just looking at him like 😧😑. He said, 'you stopped reading too early'. Please dear, just leave me, brain dey pain person.

And just in case, my dad decides to stop by my blog today, daddy, all of this is a joke. I am actually studying really hard. Those things you read before, that's just how we students communicate these days about our profound love for education and educational institutions.

I did create something today. I am tempted to call it something small. I almost always want to minimize the things I do. I think that it is a form of self-defense. I am always nervous that people will not think that I am good enough or that my work is 'all that'. So, I feel like if I minimize myself enough, maybe they'll see good or maybe they'll see it as not so good. Whatever they see, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much.

Here's what I did...

I'm homesick. I can hear my mom's voice in my head 'you're not sick in Jesus' name' 😩 I have been homesick for a while but in recent days, it seems to be growing in intensity. It's all fun and games and life too when you spend 2+ years away from family till it begins to dawn on you that you're growing up and so is everyone.

Sunday is my favourite day of the week. I wake up early, get ready and go to fellowship with other believers. I think that it is both beautiful and rejuvenating.

Something made me upset today. I was hurt and almost crying. I was smiling but my mind was wandering. In all of those moments, what kept lingering in my heart was
There were honestly times when it was a bit of a struggle and I kept telling God that 'this isn't what we agreed on. This isn't what I prayed for. This isn't how I thought things would go'.
In those moments, I still remembered that I had prayed and how powerful prayer is. What if I hadn't prayed? There would have been nothing to rest on as a cushion. Our hearts deflect to worry when we haven't prayed. It's not like we cannot pray when issues arise but there's this peace that comes with knowing that you've prayed.

In fact, there was one thing that I hadn't prayed about and amid my aching heart, I was going to pray. Guess what the enemy tried? He tried to stop me! 'Are you now going to pray? So prayer is your last resort?' My heart was going to give up because it did seem like I didn't remember to pray till that moment. Yet, there was encouragement somewhere within me, knowing that I can always, always talk to my Father.

Today, I didn't really create anything. Or did I? Does this count?


The thing is that I actually did graphic design for my church. It's nothing much, it's just sermon excerpts. My design is really ama... Whew! The goal with this creativity thing is that I want to learn to appreciate my skills a bit more and be proud of myself and what I can actually do.
I'll admit that it is difficult because I don't see my 'awesome' but I believe that with time I will be able to see it clearly. And because I can see it clearly, I'll be able to communicate it to others. I mean, when the time comes to talk about my skills and 'sell myself'. hehehe

When I have permission and access to the design, I'll post it here. Till tomorrow, remember that prayer works!! 

There's a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT +2

Saturdays are for resting. Over time, I have come to see that I have the bad habit of forgetting to rest. I am always occupied. My weekends are usually so full that by the end of the weekend I am still looking for an extension. Today, it felt good to rest and spend time with my friends, to be present.

This is unrelated to the theme of this series but I have noticed that when I like people, I cook for them. Or maybe it is related. My friend cooked for me today too. *insert happy tears* *insert happy dance* Are they really your friends if they don't bring you food? Are they?!!!

Today's creative expression is a poem and I want to dedicate this to all my friends. This journey has helped me realize how much of great impact friends are to a person's life. They've helped me see clearer and live saner. They, I mean, you have helped me see God's love in different dimensions and I want to say that I really do appreciate you. There were actual moments in my life when I prayed to God for the kind of friends that I have now.

I love you. I value you.

You think you're winning then in a split minute your heel is struck.

I could leave out this detail but I'm choosing not to. I had a breakdown after publishing yesterday's entry. I started thinking of how I wasn't doing anything with my life, seeing all the areas where I wasn't doing enough. I started worrying about where I was headed if I was going anywhere at all. I wondered if I was moving at the right pace if I had enough enthusiasm towards life.
There were lies in my head, lots of them. Do you know what made it weird? Although I knew that they were lies, I was meditating on them.

I prayed. I had to keep reminding my heart that Papa loves me. God loves me. God loves me. God loves me. Sometimes, it appears shocking that primary truths can be forgotten. The gravity of such reminders to one's soul cannot be overemphasized. I love that fact that Papa speaks. His words though stern were very reassuring. Peace comes from trusting in His work and trusting in His word.
When I write about protecting peace, what I really mean is in protecting the word of God in your heart and not allowing situations take it away from you.



I spoke to a friend, I had a clearer perspective, I focused on the truth.

A while back, one of my friends told me about how I allow the smallest things to ruin my mood. I didn't agree. Today, I finally realized it. Something very small and insignificant happened in class today and my mood was affected. It was a while later that it occurred to me that what my friend actually said was true.
Gift!!! Protect your joy!! It's a fruit of your spirit!

About today's creative expression, I was starting to wonder if I had not shot myself in the foot by deciding to do this. Not because I doubt my creativity but because the only thing the cold is inspiring at the moment is sleep and laziness but laziness is not my identity. Amen? Amen. So I'll do it and I'll share it, no matter how I feel and not succumbing to the thoughts of it not being good enough. Just in case you didn't notice, that was me convincing myself to post today's work so here you go.

Mundane shot

I love shooting on cloudy days, there's just a different vibe to the pictures. I actually love shooting bare trees, I can't explain it. There's something about how they look.
I don't think this is my best work but I actually like it. Especially since I took some time to do some editing. (That's one other thing I'm getting better at)

Who knows what tomorrow's creative expression will be?


There's a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

It is 19:04. Today's post is due in a few minutes. Let's see what I can come up with.

My phone went bad yesterday. I took it for repair today. I'm phoneless at the moment. Apart from when I woke up from my nap and was frantically searching for my phone for five minutes so I could check the time, I'm coping really well.
I've been playing with the idea of being off most social media platforms in 2020, I haven't decided yet.

I read the entry from Day 1 again, it's safe to say that I'm still on track. Today is just day 10 and that means that I've documented one-third of this documentary already. What have I noticed?

1. There's a bully in my mind. On most days, it acts all tough and tries to intimidate me. It comes dressed up in lies of my not being good enough. This is how I win; knowing that this bully isn't very tough. This is how I win daily, knowing who I am and whose I am and what I am indeed capable of.
2. It always looks difficult until it is done. We are very attached to our phones, and it can appear like a nightmare to spend hours away from it. Just before my phone went bad completely, I was checking the stats on how often I use it. Maybe I didn't see clearly but it appeared like I was unlocking my phone every 3 minutes on the average. Wow. I thought that I could never stay away from my phone especially in the early hours of the day but as time has come to tell, I actually can.
3. Triggers: they are everywhere, at least for me. It is wise to not put yourself in situations that will stir up undue emotions. I talk about staying off social media and how it is a big deal for me. What I probably haven't mentioned yet is how it is one of my biggest triggers. I get mini panic attacks and episodes where my mood drops. Spending less time on social media has helped me manage my mood. Being conscious of the kind of content that I consume has helped also.
4. It gets easier as you do it. These days, it's been a lot easier to fight off wrong thoughts. It's been a lot easier to figure out and meditate on 'whatsoever things are true..'. It wasn't always this easy but with constant practise I'm getting better at it. 

Usually, when I publish a post, my heart starts getting a bit anxious and I keep checking the stats and trying to figure out how to improve them at that moment. I don't think that it is unimportant to find ways to improve your reach but when it is at the expense of your peace, maybe something needs to be checked.

Before I clicked publish yesterday, I prayed. After I clicked publish, I wasn't worried, I was at peace.

I get bored quite quickly. Often when I find a new project, I dive in with a lot of enthusiasm. Soon after, however, the vibe dies down. Is it just me? I'm starting to feel that way with this series. The good thing is that I am not going anywhere whether my feelings line up or not and like I'm learning, I'll teach my body how to feel.

Although I know otherwise, my default thought is usually that prayer has to be done in a particular frame of mind and by that I mean, for it to be prayer, the only thing you must be doing at that moment is praying. As much as I am not undermining the place of concentration in prayer, I am discovering that there is a mine of free time and random thoughts that can be converted into moments of prayer.

There is the confidence that is embedded in my day when I start it off with praying and praying well. lol, because there be days when you know you actually didn't pray 'prayer'. Today was one of those days that started with a high.
I am starting to amaze myself with how I am not exactly going on social media until the stipulated time. When I started, it seemed like the most difficult thing and I almost quit at a point but seeing the progress now feels really good.

Today was pretty much a chill day and chill days are good too.
I think I need to read the entry from Day 1 again just to remind me of the purpose of this series.


I almost forgot that I designed this yesterday. I create all my designs on this blog and all my social media platforms. I want to say that I'm not that good but ha, I'm actually pretty decent.
Back to the post. Let's just say that my friends have sense!!! The words rang deep within me. Especially that second line!!! In today's craze of going for the bag, securing the bag and the like, it can be quite easy to forget to protect your peace.

I love this journey that I am on and I appreciate the fact that you're on it with me.
There is a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

Not much has happened today and I've been wondering if I would be able to string the mundane, regular day into a blog that's worth reading.

I've discovered that I have a routine and although it wasn't one that I set out to create, it's one that I like. I haven't been giving myself to mindless scrolling on Instagram or Twitter and it seems like I have found my way out of the black hole of youtube too. While I was pondering on this, it occurred to me that while I wasn't exactly working to curb those excesses, I was intentionally working on strengthening my blogging routine.

It is the principle of 'walk in the spirit and you will not fulfil the lust of the flesh'. The way to overcome the flesh isn't by saying that won't give in to its desires, it is by walking in the spirit. The way to overcome a bad habit is to replace it with a good one. This is starting to sound preachy and this is supposed to be a documentary but even documentaries have commentaries too, right?

A random picture from this morning

This morning, I woke up feeling weird. This wasn't anxiety creeping in, it was a wave of heaviness and because I've also been intentional about guarding my joy, I was telling myself to rise above it. It still felt a little intense especially since I was almost crying while watching a video on YouTube. Dazz when it occurred to me what the culprit may be. Do you want to guess? Let's see who gets it right in the comments.

Today is a commentary day so I'll just say this, observe yourself, know your triggers. That way, you can learn how to be prepared beforehand for the battle.

There's really not to so much to share today and while there was the temptation to not write at all, I decided to do so because this is more than just a fight against anxiety, it is a fight against indiscipline and inconsistency.

There is a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

inR.p.: Tab. Mind Battle 500mg
      Dtd: No 30 in tab.
       S: Take 2 tablets per os stat
            then one tablet per os at 8pm daily.

I was going to prescribe this as an injection just so I could inject it in your veins but I don't like needles so here you go.

I couldn't blog yesterday. Usually, I would beat myself up and feel bad about it but I did neither. I'm not sure if this is progress or not because as much as I think that it is a good thing that I am learning to control my feelings, I am not sure if it's not a bad thing to not feel bad for not keeping up to commitments. Oh well.

Yesterday, my church had an event. If you have some time and data, you should watch it here. It was a music concert thingy, lol. Like all events, planning and organizing can be stressful. Things came up and we were getting worried but everything worked out fine at the end. I made up my mind before that I wasn't going to allow anything to steal my joy. I was going to respond with joy and stay in a great frame of mind.
During all the things that came up, I stayed calm and just reminded myself that it would all work out in the end. I even gave pep talks to about 3 people but my dear, after a while, I was going to breakdown. I had exhausted my energy. I was trying to reach out to one of my friends and they were offline. I tried calling and apparently I was out of airtime so my call couldn't go through. I managed to stay afloat for a few more minutes, gasping for breath while I recharged and then finally got across to them.

I explained the current situation I was in and how things weren't going as planned and after, they offered to pray for me. Tears!!!!!! Okay, I didn't really cry but I was so touched. As soon as they prayed, I felt so much better. It was like I had refilled my tank. I was ready to face the world, like come at me with all that you've got, I'm ready.

Friends are good, Christians friends are very important. They'll help you through your weak moments and don't try to claim 'tough guy', you'll have weak moments too.

At this point, mo ti tired. (someone stop me and my terrible Yoruba😂)

I really thought that I would be able to blog by the time we finished, even it meant posting later than 8pm but by the time I got to my room, I literally couldn't. My back hurt and my body was tired. All I could focus on was rest. I had a good night.

I'm starting to have really funny conversations with Abba. This morning when my alarm rang, I started praying but as much as I hate to admit it, I slept right back. By the time I woke up completely, it was morning morning, it was bright outside and Papa was like, 'okay, it's time to get up now'. Maybe it's not that funny but knowing that I was going to go another round of half-asleep prayer, it was funny to me.

Church was good. I had a good time. Today was another of those days when things don't go as planned and I was going to sulk but I kept reminding myself that I wouldn't allow anyone to take my joy.

I preached today, please don't ask me for a recording or my notes.😀 I was a little nervous and I had this whole conversation with Papa as to why He would give me an 'upbeat' sermon on a day when everyone was just tired and drowsy. Let's just say the sermon went a lot better than I expected.

In recent days, I have spent less time than usual on social media. That used to give me FOMO but I feel good and I'm not worried about missing out on anything. This is progress.
This is something that I probably have to learn and get grounded in; I mean JOMO because I think 2020 will be the year of doing less, seeing less but still making a great impact.
(FOMO- fear of missing out. JOMO- the joy of missing out. You're welcome)

There is an ease that comes with constant practice. I'm finding it easier to replace wrong ideas with the right ones and lies with truth.
There is a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This a documentary on how I win.

See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

It's easy to throw stones at Thomas because he looked for the nails in the Master's hand but I don't see you throwing stones at yourself when you search for holes in what the Master has told you.

Reboot camp has been for me. Every session, every word, it has been precision on a whole different level! Haaaaa!!! Whew!!!!! Let me calm down a bit.

I really don't know how to form the words. So much for one who identifies as a writer because I'm not sure what to write or where to start.
Let's start in the morning.
Today was one of those days when I woke up ready to face the day. There's the kind of 'high' that the spirit gives and I woke up high.

It was another day of praying under my breath (this is about to be my way of life).

I washed my hair today. #teamnatural #ifinallycombedmyhair #lazynatural #livingwithunplannedlocs #detanglingisalot #whatarethesehashtags
My plan was to pray while I washed my hair and the temptation came to play ludo instead. It had me at first guys but glorrrry to God, I stopped halfway. (mostly because my hands were wet plus I remembered the original plan).

Right after detangling, afternoon session started and I don't remember what happened exactly but I know that for one split second, I was doubting God. The devil stays working guys!!!! But do you remember what I said on day 3? 'When the battle comes, don't run. This is what you've been training for'.
So, as quickly as the doubt came, it dispersed!! God is trustworthy. He can definitely be trusted!



One thing that stuck with me today is that this prayer thing, we must pray it. And the more amazing thing is that God will speak. He wants to speak. He wants to lead us. He wants to show us our future and guard our steps.
When we look at the life of Jesus, we observe that His life was a series of fulfilled prophecies. Just imagine your life like that!!!!
Wheeeew!

I've never done this before but while I was praying, I had this word drop in my heart. I know that someone reading this, God has given you instructions on what to do and you're doubting. Your heart has been trying to make excuses, saying maybe this isn't God but Papa says to tell you to trust Him and that He has the greatest expression of love for you.

I want to make it a point of duty to always pray for every one of my posts, that the Father will minister through them. It is becoming clearer by the day that this is indeed ministry and I really want to position myself properly in line with the Father to minister.

There's a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

Some days will seem mundane and plain. It'll seem like nothing is happening. Don't be deceived, there are silent victories embedded there too.

1, 2, 3, trouble! When the battle comes, don't run, this is what you've been training for.
Today, my eyes welled up a little then someone came in..

Yesterday, my dad visited my blog and although he didn't leave a comment, I know that he did because he shared the link to one of the pictures on this blog on his WhatsApp status. I always feel excited when I see that he shares my blog. I realize that maybe I am actually doing something right, He is actually proud of me. You know, you can coerce your friends to share your stuff all you want but your parents, there's no forcing them.

When I saw the stats from the first day, my heart sunk a little because of how little the views were. I felt like I had put my heart and soul into this and this is all that I get in return. I feel a little hesitant sharing and promoting this series on my social media because it is mostly self-centred. How do I shout that you should look at my soul? This is how I faced that battle, I told myself that this is a documentary. It fulfils it's purpose when it is seen. I told myself that it's okay to feel sad when it seems like you're not getting enough returns for your 'investment' but in this ministry because that is what this is, every single person matters.

Everything boils down to my need for validation. If I am doing well enough, more people will visit and share my blog. That's enough on this. By the way, we crossed 50k views on the blog, I did a little happy dance.

This morning, I spent a whopping 30 minutes on social media before devotion. I am not sure if I want to talk about this because it isn't exactly in line with this series or is it? I am afraid of silence. After studying, I just move swiftly over to social media, to update my mind on the actions of others while I was asleep. FOMO.
I keep getting mad at myself for breaking the rule on social media usage but it occurred to me that I only said that I wasn't going to use social media before 10, I didn't say what I was going to do instead.


I haven't really been praying on my own, it seems like I have become so overly dependent or group devotions that I am slacking on personal time. I didn't feel like praying much this morning but I tell myself that I am going to be present whether I feel like it or not. While the person in charge led, she said something, 'as believers we have the same authority as Jesus did while He was on earth', something along those lines. Suddenly, a thought flashed through my head, doubting what she had said. I immediately recognized that it was the enemy and I called my thoughts to order because indeed, the believer has been given the authority in Jesus' name.

I created a to-do list, I didn't use it.

Tears

I'm starting to feel like this was a bad decision. Who said that I couldn't be accountable and intentionally watch my thoughts without having to write about it for the world to see? This is not the first time that I've had such kinds of mini-regret thoughts. But what exactly is there to lose? I'm documenting my battles while sharpening my writing skills so what is there to lose? Nothing girl, just breathe.

Let's begin

Сьогодні

I told myself that I was going to start doing this from the first of December. It is the second already and the time is 16:38. I don't know if I'll publish this today but here goes nothing.

The Problem

Recently I noticed that I have a bit of a problem. Maybe not just a bit but the thing is that there's a problem somewhere. I used to pride myself as one who wouldn't get anxious years ago. In recent days, anxiety seems to have gotten a hold of me. My mind is always running in circles, leaving me exhausted even after doing practically nothing all day.
This is my first problem. I let overthinking fill my mind; pondering on the minute things and not exactly giving much thought to the more important things. One would think that since I have made a habit of overthinking that I would think a lot about my life, make plans for even my day but that's not so. I decide to drink daily from the cup of 'I cannot come and go and kill myself'.

It started off as a way to curb my anxious thoughts but slowly it has turned into a medium for.. what's the word, not being preoccupied? avoiding life? I don't remember but I hope you get me. So, the moments when my mind can be silent, I fill them with random emptiness, moments of; funny videos, Netflix series, endless scrolling through the highlights of others and then starting to feel sorry for myself.

My second problem is that when I eventually give room for my thoughts, I think the least of myself. There's a bully in my head. The bully is me. I never think that I'm good enough or reaching enough or that I'm reaching anyone. I rarely think that I am on the right track at the least or that I'm making progress.
My mind often amplifies the mistakes that I make and never believes in the moves that I'll make. I always have a smile on my face when my friends tell me how good I am but I rarely ever believe them. Maybe it's a way of protecting my heart. From what? I do not know.

The Solution?

Whew! See eh, I was taken aback a bit by that response but I didn't hesitate to realize that it was indeed true.

I'm not sure if the concept of a noisy mind is clear to you so I'll explain a bit.
My mind is said to be noisy when it is in fact, noisy. Cares and worries flood my mind. There are several thoughts on my mind once I am awake. Most of all, my mind is fixed on the least important things for the most part and there's really no space left for the major things to bloom.



Since I've started exposing myself on the street, I might as well continue. Let me tell you what has been making my mind noisy. Guy! It's not what you're thinking, nothing major happened to me. I'm so shy about saying this but it's my phone and movies. I know, I know, at my age, it's phone that's occupying my mind.
I was trying before, in fact, I had broken the cycle and I wouldn't check my phone when I woke up till I had finished my devotion and was ready to face my day but dears, this phone has tied me down.

You know what, I'll write a whole blog post on my phone addiction and how I'm dealing with it but for now, let's go back to my noisy mind. I had time to think and meditate on everything but God. I even gave time to thinking about service and ministry but there wasn't any stillness and focus on Abba.

How am I decluttering my mind?

• Spend your time right; pray and study. The things I spend my time doing create a great influence on what my mind is fixed on. I cannot want to hear Papa's voice clearly and then not spend time with Him. I mean, it makes sense to recognise my dad's voice since I grew up hearing it, how much more Papa. This is how I learn His voice, by reading His word; His voice is clearest there. 

• Pick your thoughts right; meditate on the word. As much as it seems like thinking is such a passive action, the passiveness of your thoughts are a cumulative effects of the things that you've done actively. (I know, even I am confused). My point is that if I want the word of God to be in my default thoughts, I have to actively train my mind to think in line with it.

• Feed your mind right; music and sermons. I can't be feeding on trash and expecting to grow healthy. I cannot be watching just series and expect to hear the voice of God in the midst of things. My dear, you will hear the voice of Mr Bean (pun intended). I intentionally listen to sermons and Christian music. Music plays an important role in leading your thoughts. Just try it, take a fast on secular music for a while and listen to just gospel songs; that thing does something to you.

SPF is the key guys.😂

It may not be that God is silent, your heart may just be fixed on so many other things that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that He isn't speaking, you may just have dulled your heart, noised your mind that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that God is silent, you just have gotten too caught up in your world that you forgot to read His word.

Some people can do things and keep doing things even in extremely difficult situations. Some people can keep up with their scheduled life in the face of uncomfortable situations.

Some people... I think you get my point now.

The thing is that I am not some people.
I haven't fully learnt how to keep running when wounded or how to keep talking when my body yearns for droplets of dihydrogen monoxide. (Someone really needs to tell me that everything isn't a poem)

For real though, I haven't learnt to keep doing what I'm supposed when things aren't acting right. I don't know how to keep up with responsibilities when more urgent responsibilities are at the door. Maybe, just maybe, I haven't learnt how to multitask effectively.

I haven't been here for 3 weeks. It wasn't because I had some difficult situation to deal with, I was just busy. Honestly, I could have squeezed some time out of my busy schedule to come to share a few things with you but I didn't.

Let's put this here like I'm a fashion blogger

Stepping out of my 'busy' zone, the first couple of thoughts that flooded my mind were judgemental. It's easy to tell others not to judge you but how do you tell the choir to shut up? That their songs though harmonious, aren't what's needed now.
My mind was loud with 'see your life'. The congregational hymn was 'lazy incompetence'. And the choir seemed to like 'can you get anything right?'

A lot of the time, these unruly expectations that my mind cooks up are as a result of what my eyes have beheld in the lives of others. How they juggle several things while I can only hold two at a time, how they live super lives while I struggle with my normal.

The truth is that I don't consider myself as super! Whew! I said it, I'm not super, I'm not supergirl, or superwoman or any other superhero. My pain threshold is low and so is my threshold for stress.
I'm not excusing what people will consider laziness, I just to a certain extent know my body and understand how much stress I can take per time. In fact, I don't consider myself as lazy, I just know and prefer to focus on one or a couple of tasks at the same time and when more important tasks come, the ones that can be paused are paused.

While I learn to build my body and toughen my mind, I will do what I can and not feel bad about it.

This post is short and I know it, maybe the next one will be longer, maybe not. This may be the end of the strip show but who knows. My heart is currently bursting with ideas that my mind hasn't thought through and my mouth (or fingers) is (are) tempted to spill. Yet, I will be wise and silent.

There are moments in my walk with God when it appears like I can feel God so closely. He feels as close as the wind in my face, the clothes on my skin, shoes that hug my feet perfectly. On those days His presence feels close, it feels overwhelming, I mean, the good kind of overwhelming.

There are moments when the voice of God is always in my ear. He's speaking constantly. There are instructions here and there; go there, speak to that person, stop! There are days when before my fears appear completely, God's voice resounds in my heart, 'I am with you'.

There are moments when in spite of life's tough gbas, the joy that the Father gives appears as accurate gbos to the gbas. It is so liquidy the next person could touch it, feel it, stare in wonder as to why I would be so joyful in spite.

Those moments, those days, make my life look like a supernatural experience. Not like it isn't on other days but in those moments, I stand more convinced of the supernatural. I mean, my life looks a little like the shadow of 'Acts of the Apostles'.


There are also days when I feel nothing. I don't feel the 'presence' of God. It seems like His voice is far away. You know that cloud 9 feeling, goosebumps chilling encounters, yeah, none of them happening. I simply feel nothing.

There are days when joy seems to be far fetched and laughter is a stretch that I currently cannot afford. There are days when my lips whisper 'God is with me' but my heart finds it hard to believe because there's no wind, no clothes, no tight shoe feeling in my soul. My life may feel like a reenactment of 'Esther', only hints of God, no mention of Him.

On those days, there's the ease to believe that God isn't nearby, that the fact that I can't feel anything must be proof of some disconnect. That maybe I'm not good enough and that I haven't worked hard enough as if it was because of my works that I could 'feel' His presence.

I'm learning that that isn't the truth. I am God's child and I am His temple and that means that He dwells in me. He's no temporary resident, He has taken up home in me forever! This implies that whether I 'feel' Him or not, God is in me. God is a whole God and to reduce Him to just a feeling would be sheer ignorance.

I would love to say that I have learned completely that my life is a constant supernatural experience but the truth is that I haven't. Still, the Father is teaching my heart that this walk is not one that will be perfected by feelings, it is one that is made perfect by faith.
He is teaching me that He is still holding my hands even when it doesn't feel so.
He is teaching me that His joy is still in my heart even when my world is crashing. And maybe my world isn't crashing because He holds my world in His hands.
He is teaching me that even without the goosebumps, He still fills my heart with His love, liquid love.

So on the days when I feel Him and on the days when I feel nothing, this confidence remains, I am His temple, I am His child and He will never leave me nor forsake me.