4am

How long can one go without sleeping?
How long does one go without sleeping before they start to lose their mind?
I mean, I really just want to lose my mind.


*picks up phone*

I'v tried to bring myself to change my screen lock picture, my wallpaper but I can't. I just can't do. You were a huge part of my life. They keep saying that I'll get over you. They say to give it time, time heals all wounds..
..but how am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to act like the last 10years of my life didn't happen?

Everytime, I hold my phone, I see you.
Your eyes, the way they smile. That streak of grey hair in front of your head that you often pulled.

Where are you?!!!!

I just want to see that birthmark on your shoulder. I haven't brought myself to have a bath. I couldn't. I would see the tattoo on my shoulder. I would be reminded of how you teased me, how you called me 'softie' because I wanted a tatoo that was similar to your birthmark.

Tell me please,
How am I supposed to go on without you?
How?
It was just weeks ago when we drew our 10year plan. Are you telling me those plans, those plans,  thoe dreams we dreamed together, will only remain dreams?


4pm

Max has been lurking around the door, waiting for you obviously.
I can't bring myself to tell him that you're never coming back.
That you've gone,
gone for good,
gone to a better place?

I know I don't have much but you told me that you loved me with what I had. You told me what I had was enough for you, for us.


4 months after

I guess time has abandoned me because I still see my wounds. I wish Max would lick them, maybe I would heal better.


4 years later

Who's in charge of the list of people that time heals?
Did they skip my name?
Did they cancel it out?
Do they keep moving me to the bottom of the list?

Because everything keeps getting worse.
I see you, I hear you
But, no one else does.

They took me to a hospital. My doctor has been trying to convince me that you never existed but I know you, I've seen you.
I'm here now and everything that reminded me of you isn't.

I was in my house, in my space, all alone. I took solace in nurturing my heart, learning it's curves and edges, seeing it's beauty and flaws. Everything was perfect, well, sorta, it was the best I had ever felt.

One of those days, I saw you out of the corner of my eye, I had barely turned but then you disappeared. Night after night, your thoughts flooded my heart. I had something new to think about, something else I could fantasize about. You were my daytime dream. I would often catch myself dreaming of seeing you again and then actually meeting you.

Maybe, we would have enough time to sit and talk.
Maybe you would show me the actual blend of things that made you look this beautiful.


It took a while before you showed up again but then I was glad that at the very least, I got to meet you.
'I've known you for a while' you said, 'it's actually been more than just a while, we actually met when you were much younger but I don't think that you remember'.. You kept talking but then my mind was racing with thoughts. I couldn't fathom how someone could be just the perfect blend of dream and reality. You were what I had dreamed of for the longest of time. I had convinced myself that you only existed in my dreamland but here you were, alive and talking.

*snap, snap*
back to reality

We should get together sometime..'

I'm not even exaggerating, this has to be the 30th time I sneezing this evening in a row. Here I am sitting with eyes blood red, tears stream down my cheek as if to cool down my body's temperature but that doesn't seem to be working effectively.

I was on my own, about to enter my room when my enemies decided that it was time to wake up and start running about. I would take it if it was just one or two or even a couple of them but no, it seemed like the whole community had found their way into my room. They had come with their children and distant relatives.

So, I armed myself with a weapon I knew was too weak to fight them. In previous encounters, this weapon has proven itself futile but what could I do, my usually weapon was out of stock so I decided to go for the one that was readily available since it was about 9:30 and I was just not even thinking about going out.

Spray after spray after spray after spray, yet these infidels were not dying. You would think that at this point, I would retreat and surrender but no, accept defeat? No way! I focused my powers on getting the best out of these ones, killing their entire generation. I stepped into their barracks, went past their defenses so that I could have direct impact.

Well, I could only kill a handful. I, on the other hand, have almost sneezed my internal organs out. My eyes are  itching from all of the chemicals that were mixed to form this insecticide. 
I knew quite well that these allergies were going to start acting up but all I wanted to be was the BAWSE, the winner.

The sneezes had rounded up to about 50 by the time I have finally analyzed my situation. As I sit on my chair and stare at these tiny roaches running about, I decide that it's way past time for us to have 'the talk'.
We need to sign a treaty.

Slowly I began to wake up. The door was creaking and I could hear footsteps like someone was trying really hard to walk gently. As I reached out my hand to turn on my bedside lamp, I felt someone grab my hand. In that split second as I was about to scream, someone else gagged me. I didn't understand what exactly was going on, I tried screaming but it felt like a waste of energy. I wanted to cry but I was too weak.

My eyelids flipped open like window blinds, I quickly wrapped myself up in a pose. My clothes were all over the floor. I attempted to grab them but my hands were tied behind me and I was in pain. My underwear lay on the other side of the room and all I was wearing was shame.

I could feel it, I had been raped.
The room looked familiar, I was having some sort of temporary amnesia and all I could remember was bits and pieces from yesterday.
I had travelled to visit my big cousins since their parents were not around. I agreed with my mom that we would have my birthday party in their house. I remember arriving quite late and I remember eating but I don't remember walking to the room or lying on the bed or...

Did they drug me?

________________
Purely fiction but rape is real mehn!
I like what I have been seeing on WARM. Check it out.

My day just started and I'm angry already. Clenched fist, lips heavily bit down on, my eyes roll all the way from Europe to Africa and my breathing is as heavy as as the imaginary shoe I'm holding in my hand as a weapon.

It's way past time for me to wake up. There were no alarms ringing today. It's one of those sleep as long as you can days and trust me, I planned to sleep in.

Melatonin levels are dropping,  my ears are beginning to pick up sound, my eyes gently open, my hands reach for my phone, it's 3:49am.
WHY!!!!
Who wakes up this early when they plan to sleep in?
No matter what my body says, I'm going back to bed.
After fighting fights and thinking thoughts on how I'm going to take over the world, I fall back asleep only to be awoken by one of my greatest enemies.

THE BUZZING FLY

Yes, that's what I call it. You can fly all you want as long as you don't disturb my sleep but once you come with all your ringtone, that's just the end.
I will kill you today!
That's the kind of thoughts that run through my head as I lie and stare and it. My blanket covered, one leg out body however, refuses to stand up.
I know that I let it in because my windows are open due to the summer heat that finally set in after days of continuous raindrops.

So with my telepathic powers, I speak to it in a language too secret to be understood by mere men. It listens, and hides, I think, and then my sleep continues.


-Kaydo

Heartbeats skipping is the new norm.
Here I stand face to face with reality.
The smoke screen of my illusions all gone.
The scales that once covered my eyes lay there on the floor to my left.
Every 'right' turn eventually led south and my Wernicke's lesioned.
For though my words line up as a legion, they make no sense and I know not.

I recognize this place.
I know this state, this feeling is familiar.
My cheeks have felt this liquid run down them before, the temperature, the speed, the ...
Their slow but steady arrival at the skin near my lips and their salty similarity to the dead sea often kept me in a state, afloat.
My hands have lost their grip and paper that I tried crafting words on looks more like a paper mache.

This is the first time that I felt anything in the last couple of months. Too bad, all I feel is heavy sadness and a longing for death.

My therapist did tell me that it was going to get messy. She definitely warned me of the possibility that my fences would break down soon and that the storm that would follow would be tough.

I really didn't want to start off planning my life again or write out a CV having the fact that I didn't graduate. Being an aeronautical engineer was my number one goal, it was all I ever wanted, I couldn't imagine dreaming another dream or living another life but I had lost so much passion for school.

Hi there! Thank you for continuing with me on this story. If you haven't already, do check out the previous parts; PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5


It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I couldn't stop looking at myself in the mirror. My mom stood behind me. She was wearing a lilac coloured dress. It had glitters splashed all over it. The smile on her face was one I hadn't seen in a long while. It extended from her cheek to her eyes and it reflected in her voice as she told me how happy she was for me and how she was proud of the lady I had grown into.

There I stood, fighting the battle with my lacrimal glands. Trying really hard to hold back the tears because, well, it had taken a while to get my make-up done perfectly. After what seemed like an eternity but was really less than 5 minutes, the dam broke down and the tears began to gush down my cheeks freely; more freely than I had ever seen.
In that moment, my mom hugged me, she squeezed me tight in her arms and she said, "I love you my daughter".
"I love you too mom", I almost replied but I was jolted back to reality by the screeching of tires and loud noises.

"Get down from the car!"

I was still trying to wake up and understand what exactly was going on when I received a very hot slap on my cheek. Tears streamed down my cheek, this time, they were real. I saw George lie on the roadside and I tried to find out from him what was going on but every sound I made attracted some sort of beating from these "good guys"

After a while, George couldn't take it anymore, he just couldn't lay there and watch them beat me up like a cow so he stood up and tried to defend me. I mean, I love him a lot  but I wouldn't say that his decision making ability was at it's maximum capacity at that moment.
As soon I saw him standing I screamed, "NO!!!
                                                                 GEORGE, 
                                                                 STAY STILL!!"

But my words arrived rather too late for the next thing I saw was his blood on the road. I loved making a mess while creating but I couldn't stand the sight of blood. So, as the blood trickled down his face, each drop seemed to sing to me a lullaby and soon after, I passed out.

REALITY?
I pretty much didn't know what was real and what wasn't for I kept discovering myself in different worlds and scenarios and it all didn't add up. Every attempt at trying to figure out and understand the events of this evening delivered to me on silver platters, constant rounds of headaches or should I rather refer to them as migraine? I don't know the difference between both but I do know that it felt like a war was being fought in cabinets of my head which sent off constant sparks and lightning, cutting off the energy supply from the rest of my body and magically disappearing the desire for food.

On that bright Tuesday morning, it felt like I had been visited by some angels and the fairy god mother had waved her wand over me giving me a new head because I honestly felt nothing like I felt two weeks ago. During the last two weeks, I had fallen in and out of consciousness but by today, it felt like I had fully recovered.
My arms were moving. "Yaaaaas!"
After having a mini-celebration in my head, I called out for George. He was doing a lot better than I was and it really surprised me. I could see the scar from the wound on his face. He was healing fast but I kinda liked how it made him look, weird huh.

"I'm really sorry"
"I should have listened to you"
"It's all my fault"
Those words slipped out my mouth with great ease.

"..shhh!" George spoke up.
"It's not anyone's fault, okay"
"I want you to focus on getting better"

Soon after, my doctor walked in. She looked like she had been working long hours but she managed to wear a smile when entered the room.
"Tired much", I said as I smiled at her.
"Yes but I love my job" she replied with a much more realistic smile on her face.
"You look a lot more better than you did when you came in here", she said.
Can I speak to you in private?
"You can say whatever in front of George," looking at him, with our eyes interlocking and a smile on my face, "he's family" I continued.
"Okay, we physically examined you when you were brought earlier and we discovered that you were raped.."

She did go on saying a lot of things about how she would recommend I see a therapist and blah blah but the happiness that I woke up with was gone in those minutes.
"So, in addition to head trauma I received from the battering, I was raped?"
"..we discovered that you were raped.." Her words played over and over in my head even after I had been discharged. I couldn't just deal with it.


Yesterday was one of those days where I tried to fit the pieces of my life together and make sense of how I got to this point. I had everything planned out, I was going at the right pace in the 'right direction but right now, my life didn't make any sense.
In the midst of my depressed confusion, I slit my wrists.



For sad and gloomy days exist,
Where pain and confusion may kiss.
But on those sad and gloomy days,
Remember love will find a way.


Always remember that '..today belongs to YOU!'
Let's connect on FACEBOOK.
Join the Inspired HeARTs family.
Have an AMAZING weekend!
See you next week FRIDAY!

Sarah! Sarah!! Sarah!!!
Oh my God!!
'Why'd you do this to yourself?'

The next thing I remember is that I woke up in the hospital with Jess sitting next to me. Her eyes were red and the bags underneath them could hold large quantity of water. Slowly, I turned my head towards her and with the little energy I had, I whispered her name.

'How are you feeling?'
'What exactly happened?'
'I returned from classes and saw you lying on the kitchen floor'
'The doctor said..'

I didn't hear any of the other things she said and I gently allowed the river of tear stuck in my eyes run down my face.

I was having one of the worst days of my life yesterday. The darkness that seemed to hover around me was somewhat doubled. I tried to stand but it seemed like there were bricks strapped on to my chest. My strength was gone from me and there was no one around.

I managed to pick up my phone and call George. He was the only one apart from Jess who knew what was going on with me. He didn't respond; probably because he was in class.
I had stopped attending classes for about 5 months now. The school kept calling me to find out what exactly I was up to and how they could help me but I didn't want any external help.

George was my closest friend, we went on trips together. Basically where I went, he did go to. So, he was there on that night when it all happened.

It was two weeks after my birthday. There was a meet and greet in a city not too far from school so we decided to attend; well, we'd be back soon. I remember wearing a flower print sleeveless jumpsuit with nude pumps. I let my hair up in a fro and wore minimal makeup. George on the other hand simply threw a blazer on a white pair of jeans. He wasn't one who cared so much about how he looked. Anyways, we both looked good.

'I think it's high time we left here' George said
Please, I want to stay here a little longer, I responded.
I loved the serene environment and I pretty much wanted to soak in all of the beauty.
George was always protective, he didn't take chances with our safety and I just pushed his words aside because I concluded that it was just one of his usual 'over protectiveness'

At about 8pm, we started our journey back. It was a 2 hour drive and George drove.

Jesuuuuuuuuuuuuuus! 
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

I was there but I wasn't. I could recognize that it was Jess calling out my name but I couldn't respond. I watched my strength flow out of body and I believed I was dead.

Well, I wanted to just die but fate said 'not today'. A couple of minutes later, my eyes slowly opened and looking on me with tears in his eyes was George.
I saw the scar near his right eye. It was like a piece of art work for the curve was perfectly accentuated, highlighting his cheek bones.

Every time, I saw the scar, I remembered that night. The truth is that I do not remember most of it but what I do remember has been more than enough to give me nightmares.



One, two, three, four
My heart's pieces are on the floor.
Five, six, seven eight
And now my soul is filled with hate.

Thank you for reading this. If you haven't, check out the previous parts PART 1, PART 2, PART 3 and PART 4
Let's connect on FACEBOOK.
Don't forget that '..today belongs to you'
See you next week! 

Hi guys! Let me quickly say a very big 'THANK YOU' to everyone who has been following this story. The feedback has been amazing. I do appreciate you.
Just in case you are reading this story for the first time, you may want to catch up. These are the links to PART 1, PART 2 and PART 3.
Do enjoy!



Slowly the days crawled by. Right before my eyes, my passion disappeared leaving no traces of it's previous existence. Although I often tried to restart my system, it always responded with silence and blank stares.

It's 7:42pm. Here I am having one of my 'moments'. This blue feeling often takes over my soul, wrapping it cold dark fingers around my heart and slowly but steadily ripping it in pieces.
Earlier today, I had an appointment with my doctor. I have been having this pain in my chest for quite a while and very recently it, had gotten worse.
Every time I had an appointment, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Today, he gave me the same report, 'everything is okay with you'. Deep down I knew everything wasn't fine and I told him that I wasn't satisfied with that report but all I got was 'take out some time to rest'

I know that I've been investing quite a lot of time in my education; both curricular and extracurricular. Week after week, I kept travelling, from one conference to another. I loved meeting people, I loved the experience that the conferences brought. I loved the balls, the dinners, the breakfast meetings and the unscheduled ones. I loved living life on the go, always up and about.

On a basic weekday, I woke up at about 4am and I almost always have some research work to do, some structure I was designing, or just something else that kept me busy. Classes and a bunch of things happened every other day. My cup of coffee kept me up when my body wasn't willing to stay. It was my drug, my number one buddy, I couldn't go a day without having at least 3 cups of coffee; black please.
With all of these things happening in my life, my doctor could probably be right when he said, I was stressed out and just needed to rest.

I'm trying to relax but my body won't let me, my heart keeps skipping beats. Although the sun is shinning, my muscles are shivering, my teeth, clenching.

ring ring

Another heart beat missed!
My phone's ring tone jolted me back to reality. It was my mom calling..
The tight bond that existed between my mom and I had gone slack over the last couple of months. I've been so busy with all of the things that's happening around me that I barely had time for conversations with even Jess.

'Hi mom'
-'My baby, how are you'

I tried to say, 'I'm not fine mom, I feel so sick and sad, my heart feels like it's been sliced and there's a fire in my head. My whole body is broken, my bone, my muscles, my very personality feels like it's been stripped off me'

Those where the words I honestly wanted to say but how could bring myself to tell my mom that her only child, her shining jewel, her piece of royalty, her purple sprinkles wasn't doing well. She's been ill and although she seems a lot better these day, I really want to make the last years that she has beautiful.

With fake smiles forced on my face and a hint of enthusiasm, I managed to whisper, 'I'm very fine mom'



Masks and covers
Black, pink covers
Pain, smile covers
While my heart shudders.

To every one with pain unspoken, you are not alone. Hang in there!

See you next week FRIDAY!
Don't forget that "..today belongs to YOU!"

The very things that crack our heart

Smiling faces were sprinkled all around. Sparkles stole across the room from the white teeth and eyes all over. It had been an evening of continuous exchange of 'congratulation' and 'thank you'.
A quick glance over my pearl shimmered Christian Dior wristwatch jolted me back to reality.
It was 2:53 AM!
Oh my God!!

I never stayed out this long and I didn't plan to do so tonight. I was my 21st birthday party and I really wanted to leave but I mean, who leaves their birthday party?
Here I am wishing I had left that night. It was one of the happiest nights of my life but I do wish I had never experienced such happiness.

It was the morning of the next day, 7:00AM. The buzzing of my phone woke me up. Usually, I'll ignore the phone but it was a special ringtone; my mom was calling.
In the second before I answered, several thoughts flooded my head, why was my mom calling this early? I was low key worried but I managed to feign a happy voice when I answered.

- "I'm sorry baby
I'm very sorry
I did try my best, sweetheart"
...

For real though, why exactly would she play with my emotions like that. I thought it was something worse. We had our traditions. She had never forgotten my birthday but I couldn't be mad at her just because she forgot my birthday.

It had been quite rough year for her. Her cancer was getting worse and she was slowly losing touch with herself.
She is all that I have ever had, all that I have. The pain that she feels, I feel too and although I'm quite far away, I hold her close in my heart.



I did wish upon a star,
From my depth of deep bizarre.
And though my heart was filled with faith,
Hope was often just a wraith.


P:S  All characters are fictional.
To be continued next week FRIDAY (I hope I can keep to that)
I'll love to hear from you. Leave your comments below *muah*
Let's keep in touch on Facebook Kaydo's blog

Don't forget '..today belongs to YOU'

Heartbeats skipping is the new norm.
Here I stand face to face with reality.
The smoke screen of my illusions all gone.
The scales that once covered my eyes lay there on the floor to my left.
Every 'right' turn eventually led south and my Wernicke's lesioned.
For though my words line up as a legion, they make no sense and I know not.



Name: Sarah McLey
Age: 22
 Well, that's the most I have been able to go with my 'CV'. I always thought that everything would fall in place as soon as I graduated from the university but errrrm, I never really got to find out.
Let me catch you up a little. I'm very smart or should I rather say intelligent. I got an admission to study Aeronautical engineering when I was 18. Airplanes always fascinated me, I mean everything that wasn't nature but could fly were my points of interest.

I remember always building jets with my plastic building bricks when I was 6. They just made my heart smile. I would spend days drawing the kind of airplanes I wanted to build. I didn't want dolls, all I wanted was my little airplane.

Time passed rather quickly, from kindergarten to primary to secondary and then I was in the university of my choice having the time of my life until life happened to me.




P:S  All characters are fictional.
To be continued next week FRIDAY (I hope I can keep to that)
I'll love to hear from you. Leave your comments below *muah*
Let's keep in touch on Facebook Kaydo's blog

Don't forget '..today belongs to YOU'