There are moments in my walk with God when it appears like I can feel God so closely. He feels as close as the wind in my face, the clothes on my skin, shoes that hug my feet perfectly. On those days His presence feels close, it feels overwhelming, I mean, the good kind of overwhelming.

There are moments when the voice of God is always in my ear. He's speaking constantly. There are instructions here and there; go there, speak to that person, stop! There are days when before my fears appear completely, God's voice resounds in my heart, 'I am with you'.

There are moments when in spite of life's tough gbas, the joy that the Father gives appears as accurate gbos to the gbas. It is so liquidy the next person could touch it, feel it, stare in wonder as to why I would be so joyful in spite.

Those moments, those days, make my life look like a supernatural experience. Not like it isn't on other days but in those moments, I stand more convinced of the supernatural. I mean, my life looks a little like the shadow of 'Acts of the Apostles'.


There are also days when I feel nothing. I don't feel the 'presence' of God. It seems like His voice is far away. You know that cloud 9 feeling, goosebumps chilling encounters, yeah, none of them happening. I simply feel nothing.

There are days when joy seems to be far fetched and laughter is a stretch that I currently cannot afford. There are days when my lips whisper 'God is with me' but my heart finds it hard to believe because there's no wind, no clothes, no tight shoe feeling in my soul. My life may feel like a reenactment of 'Esther', only hints of God, no mention of Him.

On those days, there's the ease to believe that God isn't nearby, that the fact that I can't feel anything must be proof of some disconnect. That maybe I'm not good enough and that I haven't worked hard enough as if it was because of my works that I could 'feel' His presence.

I'm learning that that isn't the truth. I am God's child and I am His temple and that means that He dwells in me. He's no temporary resident, He has taken up home in me forever! This implies that whether I 'feel' Him or not, God is in me. God is a whole God and to reduce Him to just a feeling would be sheer ignorance.

I would love to say that I have learned completely that my life is a constant supernatural experience but the truth is that I haven't. Still, the Father is teaching my heart that this walk is not one that will be perfected by feelings, it is one that is made perfect by faith.
He is teaching me that He is still holding my hands even when it doesn't feel so.
He is teaching me that His joy is still in my heart even when my world is crashing. And maybe my world isn't crashing because He holds my world in His hands.
He is teaching me that even without the goosebumps, He still fills my heart with His love, liquid love.

So on the days when I feel Him and on the days when I feel nothing, this confidence remains, I am His temple, I am His child and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I never know how to describe myself accurately. I resort to a couple of default labels.
Hi, I'm Gift but you can call me Kaydo. I am a girl? Okay, I'm a Bible teacher, medical student, poet? I'll describe myself as an introvert on most days, extrovert when I have the energy. Overthinker is one of my most recent addition to my collection of labels.

 I like to have 'clarity' on everything so the slightest hint of dark waters causes my heart to tremble and it doesn't even matter if it's the Master who's calling me out upon the waters. My heart wants to know everything down to the last detail so on days when it feels like I don't have the full picture or when it seems like a single pixel is missing from the image, I run into a frenzy.

Overthinking is just another cute name for worry. So I'm a 'worrier'. Steadily being a warrior in battles that I don't need to fight. Thinking up multiple alternative endings for this movie I'm starring in; the movie called 'my life'.

It's difficult to live life. It really is complex. To just wing it or to ride on the wings of peace. To rest assured even in uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me to do.

Abba is constantly reminding me of the fact that the job to be all-knowing is His not mine but no, I want to be God, to be omniscient. It's why I keep googling my symptoms, trying to stay alive the longest, trying to see what others have done and would do if they were in my shoes. I forget that they are not me. Are they me? Am I they? No.
If I could have any superpower, I would like to be omniscient so that I would know how to live this thing called life. I often find myself in the headspace where I would like to have the cheat code, the past questions and in fact the definite answer to the questions life keeps throwing at me.

I forget that with all my limitations as a human, omniscience would lead to a further desire to be omnipotent and that is a quality that God, and only God, possesses.
So, subtly, my heart craves to be God. It is a hushed declaration that maybe God isn't God enough. That maybe I could do a better job at being God than God Himself. It is a silent desire to be God over my life to be sovereign over my affairs.

But that isn't possible. I am not God. God is God and I am His child.

If there's one lesson that I feel like God has been teaching me for the longest of times, it is about trust. I am not the best at relinquishing trust and going all-in but that's exactly what Abba wants me to do, to trust Him, to go all-in with Him.

So, even on the days when I don't see clearly, on the days the water is wavy, on the days when my feet are shaky, I can trust God. I can be calm and not overthink myself into a hopeless state.
On the days when nothing makes sense, I will not worry, I will trust the mighty warrior, the One who is always victorious, the One who causes me to triumph. I will rest.
I will let God be God and rest in my place as His child. I will trust that He watches me, that He has a plan for my life and isn't just winging it when it comes to my life.

So, if there is any label that I will take on, it is the one of being God's child.
Hi, I'm Kaydo and my middle name is Peace.