Welp! This is getting more difficult. I really didn't want to write on this. I put off writing this for a couple of days, tried to change the topic but I really felt like this was what God wanted me to write on so here we go.

ATTENTION
I'm at ease when I have attention except when I am on stage and fear clumps my larynx or when I am next to a stranger and anxiety grips my tongue. And no, with all my attention-seeking thoughts and actions, I haven't feigned fainting, yet.
I do some really regular things but deep in my heart, I know that I am doing them for the attention they'll bring.

I want to say again that social media is the devil but I know that God is there too but some days I catch myself deciding to post certain things on Instagram simply because I know that it'll give me more engagement. This, in itself, is not bad. Especially if one is a content creator and your job centres around creating engaging content.

 My purpose for creating content anyway is a little different. The goal is not me, I am not the goal. Sometimes, I forget that and I begin to desire to post things that indirectly make me the goal. In those moments, I feel God nudging me, reminding me of my purpose. There's the check in my heart; are you just doing this because of what people would say to your glory or are you doing it for God?

I am not the goal, the goal is not me but sometimes I forget and the wrong motives cloud my vision. I stand and I speak and want the glory to myself. There are the days when I desire acknowledgement. The 'you spoke well', 'you spoke to me', 'thank you for sharing'. I desire all these selfishly, for myself, to fan the flame of my ego as if to say 'well-done girl, you have done it again'. Like I had the power to speak good, to speak to people, to touch lives. As if my lips weren't taught by the Father on how to speak. As if He didn't give my fingers the words to write.

I like attention and I crave it. The Father is teaching me that it isn't about me, that I don't do it for the applause or the accolades. He's teaching my heart that He is the goal. He's teaching me to focus on Him, to speak when He instructs. He's teaching me that although I possess 'wisdom' on a certain topic, it isn't wise to speak on it when He doesn't want me to.
Speaking could get me all the attention I desire but it could also mean that my attention has shifted from Him.

This is uncomfortable but I am growing.

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain

First off, no, it's not that kind of jealousy. The song doesn't even apply in this context, I just remembered and thought it would make a good opening. On the other hand, most times, I am not content with what I have, with who I am, with where I am.
The truth is that I never see anything that pertains to me as enough, good enough. Because of that, I am constantly looking over my shoulders, into the next person's life. It always looks beautiful there.
My eyes have learnt to add filters to the lives of others so that they look more adorable. Who am I in light of such beauty?

The grass is greener on the other side (read, rather sing in Adekunle's voice).

I am constantly jealous, especially of my friends. I am convinced that they have it all together although they show me their struggles. But no, I block out those, I only see pure and beauty and ease. I don't have those, at least, I don't have it like they do.

I am not sure where this heart learnt jealousy from but often my response to 'great' achievements by someone who's my age or younger is 'that could be me'. There's the silent 'God when', the hushed 'why not me' that rings in my heart and sometimes spills out of my mouth.



I want to say that social media is an expression of the devil but I know that that isn't true; God lives there too. Every time I go on there, my heart finds a reason to sulk, to pause to think that I am the least amongst all men and this is not like some humility stunt.
While writing this, I took a quick Instagram break and there was the picture of this person at this place that I've always wanted to visit and my first thoughts were, awww so cute, this should be me, why didn't I go there?
Girl!! Are you okay or something? This kind of thought isn't healthy in any way.

I'm learning that I need to be honest with myself when I feel jealous. The Holy Spirit will often caution me when I am slipping into jealousy and when I'm looking down on all of the things that I have been given, on where I am, the reach I have.

Jealousy isn't a fruit of my spirit so I am teaching my heart that it doesn't belong here. I'm teaching my heart the word of God. I'm teaching my heart to be genuinely happy for others, to celebrate their success. I'm teaching my hands to work in my field. I'm teaching my feet to take steps in line with the Father's plan, in pace with Him.
So, when it looks like someone else is flying and I could fly too if the Father says to walk, I will walk, not with a heavy heart or sad spirit but with joy. I will be joyful in my journey, I will be joyful for my neighbour's also.

This is growing.

I have been away for so long, this is not a promise that I am here to stay.

I have struggled with the idea of being called a blogger. I flinch and cringe because I can barely identify as that. Just because I have a blog, write posts, share at random moments doesn't make me, ummm, okay, maybe I'm a blogger of some sort.

I struggle with this label because I see my inconsistency and inadequacy. I see my nonchalance. I see how other 'bloggers' are dedicated to their blogs. I, on the other hand, am regularly in and out of 'vim'. I find my voice for a minute and it disappears without warning for months, maybe I have a speech disability.


Stripper: one who strips
To strip: remove all coverings from

So, call me stripper because I am removing the coverings. I am removing the labels, the layers, I am showing forth my true identity. The intensity of my colours will speak. Maybe I am a blogger too, and a bunch of things also but most of I want you to see me strip.

Why strip?
Because I don't want you, me or anyone to have a false idea of who I am. When I am putting up a front, I am also convincing myself that this character is who I am. The goal is not me, I am not the goal. I am taking off the layers not just so that you can see me.
Make no mistake, I want you to see me, my scars, my frailty, the wounds from which I currently bleed. I want you to see me struggle to walk, see me fly, see me fall but most of all, I want you to see my Father who stays loving through it all.

I want you to see God. I want you to see how He's still interested in this broken human. See Him love me, hold me, restore me. I want you to see how He still uses those who see themselves as the worst and how He's reeling in the runaway child.

This may be difficult for me but it really isn't about me, it has never been about me. So watch me strip, call me stripper but most of all I hope you see the Father.

Signed,
A stripper in training.