I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain

First off, no, it's not that kind of jealousy. The song doesn't even apply in this context, I just remembered and thought it would make a good opening. On the other hand, most times, I am not content with what I have, with who I am, with where I am.
The truth is that I never see anything that pertains to me as enough, good enough. Because of that, I am constantly looking over my shoulders, into the next person's life. It always looks beautiful there.
My eyes have learnt to add filters to the lives of others so that they look more adorable. Who am I in light of such beauty?

The grass is greener on the other side (read, rather sing in Adekunle's voice).

I am constantly jealous, especially of my friends. I am convinced that they have it all together although they show me their struggles. But no, I block out those, I only see pure and beauty and ease. I don't have those, at least, I don't have it like they do.

I am not sure where this heart learnt jealousy from but often my response to 'great' achievements by someone who's my age or younger is 'that could be me'. There's the silent 'God when', the hushed 'why not me' that rings in my heart and sometimes spills out of my mouth.



I want to say that social media is an expression of the devil but I know that that isn't true; God lives there too. Every time I go on there, my heart finds a reason to sulk, to pause to think that I am the least amongst all men and this is not like some humility stunt.
While writing this, I took a quick Instagram break and there was the picture of this person at this place that I've always wanted to visit and my first thoughts were, awww so cute, this should be me, why didn't I go there?
Girl!! Are you okay or something? This kind of thought isn't healthy in any way.

I'm learning that I need to be honest with myself when I feel jealous. The Holy Spirit will often caution me when I am slipping into jealousy and when I'm looking down on all of the things that I have been given, on where I am, the reach I have.

Jealousy isn't a fruit of my spirit so I am teaching my heart that it doesn't belong here. I'm teaching my heart the word of God. I'm teaching my heart to be genuinely happy for others, to celebrate their success. I'm teaching my hands to work in my field. I'm teaching my feet to take steps in line with the Father's plan, in pace with Him.
So, when it looks like someone else is flying and I could fly too if the Father says to walk, I will walk, not with a heavy heart or sad spirit but with joy. I will be joyful in my journey, I will be joyful for my neighbour's also.

This is growing.