Veintidós!

My Spanish is getting a lot better. I keep throwing the little Spanish I know around. I should warn you that it's not going to get any better. As my Spanish improves, I'm going to write a lot more in Spanish and who knows, maybe one day, I'll have a whole post in Spanish.

The Battle

Creative Corner

True Talk

Saturdays are for resting. Over time, I have come to see that I have the bad habit of forgetting to rest. I am always occupied. My weekends are usually so full that by the end of the weekend I am still looking for an extension. Today, it felt good to rest and spend time with my friends, to be present.

This is unrelated to the theme of this series but I have noticed that when I like people, I cook for them. Or maybe it is related. My friend cooked for me today too. *insert happy tears* *insert happy dance* Are they really your friends if they don't bring you food? Are they?!!!

Today's creative expression is a poem and I want to dedicate this to all my friends. This journey has helped me realize how much of great impact friends are to a person's life. They've helped me see clearer and live saner. They, I mean, you have helped me see God's love in different dimensions and I want to say that I really do appreciate you. There were actual moments in my life when I prayed to God for the kind of friends that I have now.

I love you. I value you.

4am

How long can one go without sleeping?
How long does one go without sleeping before they start to lose their mind?
I mean, I really just want to lose my mind.


*picks up phone*

I'v tried to bring myself to change my screen lock picture, my wallpaper but I can't. I just can't do. You were a huge part of my life. They keep saying that I'll get over you. They say to give it time, time heals all wounds..
..but how am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to act like the last 10years of my life didn't happen?

Everytime, I hold my phone, I see you.
Your eyes, the way they smile. That streak of grey hair in front of your head that you often pulled.

Where are you?!!!!

I just want to see that birthmark on your shoulder. I haven't brought myself to have a bath. I couldn't. I would see the tattoo on my shoulder. I would be reminded of how you teased me, how you called me 'softie' because I wanted a tatoo that was similar to your birthmark.

Tell me please,
How am I supposed to go on without you?
How?
It was just weeks ago when we drew our 10year plan. Are you telling me those plans, those plans,  thoe dreams we dreamed together, will only remain dreams?


4pm

Max has been lurking around the door, waiting for you obviously.
I can't bring myself to tell him that you're never coming back.
That you've gone,
gone for good,
gone to a better place?

I know I don't have much but you told me that you loved me with what I had. You told me what I had was enough for you, for us.


4 months after

I guess time has abandoned me because I still see my wounds. I wish Max would lick them, maybe I would heal better.


4 years later

Who's in charge of the list of people that time heals?
Did they skip my name?
Did they cancel it out?
Do they keep moving me to the bottom of the list?

Because everything keeps getting worse.
I see you, I hear you
But, no one else does.

They took me to a hospital. My doctor has been trying to convince me that you never existed but I know you, I've seen you.
I'm here now and everything that reminded me of you isn't.

I like to think that I am on some form of local anaesthesia; 2% Lidocaine injected in my soul because having to face the reality would kill me another round.

They say, when the anaesthesia kicks in, first is analgesia, then comes excitement and then the anaesthesic effect.
Here, I have been sitting in this wooden box waiting on the anaesthetic effect because of course at first I lost the feel of pain. Even now, I can't feel the pain when I swipe the blades across my skin; that usually spot for the POS, trading bodies for the cost of soul.



Oh well, I digress.

Blood did flow and you'd think that after losing half a liter I'd stop. Well, I quite did but I'd get a fresh transfusion, with a fresh dose of that injection, lose the pain, get high again, I'm stuck in my affliction.

Addition. Addition. Addiction.
Addicted to the pleasure from the activation of my opioid receptors. Receptive to that age old "pill" passed down from my ancestors.

Ancestry claims, blame it on Adam or maybe Eve.
Maybe Even blame it on Cain.
On the cane that mama whipped me with.
That cane brought forth similar pain.

Every lash was an independent slash in the same spot on my soul.

Oh, I digress again.

I put on my defence mechanisms, stimulate my sympathetic system.
Digressing is my preventing of the truth from seeping deep in.
Putting mud into my eyes, not for healing but for blindness.
Artificially creating cataract.

I died slowly, not because I didn't know I was sick.
I died slowly because I couldn't take my eyes off the stimulus.
I couldn't lift up my eyes to look on the stick.
I just couldn't trade the lido for the healing.

Heartbeats skipping is the new norm.
Here I stand face to face with reality.
The smoke screen of my illusions all gone.
The scales that once covered my eyes lay there on the floor to my left.
Every 'right' turn eventually led south and my Wernicke's lesioned.
For though my words line up as a legion, they make no sense and I know not.

Hi guys!!!!
I wanted to share this piece my friend and I did with you guys.
Watch the video >>


Far beneath the surface
Under the covers of the usual status quo
Clothed in the disguise of the dirty happy somethings
She lay...

Next to the stuff that was covered in rust
They looked alike
I mean for the most part
Except she wasn't as pretty
And wasn't dressed in apparels of gold and silver

Her earrings didnt't go with her necklace
And her bag didn't even match her shoes
And slowly but definitely
The electricity that once pushed her to dream depleted
And the light within her eyes turned of

Works are for the great she said
And greatness is far fetched
So she crumbled herself in small pieces
Her heart was broken

He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me
He definitely loves me not
For he screamed when he saw me
Not because he was "wowed"
But kinda out of disgust.

It's funny how we look at the magazine
And think we have to look like what we see
It's crazy how Barbie has become
The standard for beauty
It tickles my thought process to fathom
How we care more about what's on our head than what's in them

So now we cover our faces in masks
Trying to attain beauty's mask
We subdue ourselves to the definition of beauty which is so wrong.
We judge each other's looks
By Facebook's likes, Instagram followers and retweets.

We get so obsessed with the outside
That we have slowly lost touch of the truth and the reality of who we truly are.
Forgetting that in His image we were made.
'Fearfully', 'Wonderfully', 'Beautifully' made.

Please you are worth more than a 2D image on a screen
You are a living, breathing human being
You are worth love and affection
You are precious
You are a diamond, a rose, a pearl, a JEWEL.

The most stunning of God's creation
You are worth more than you could ever imagine
Worth more than the hair product you wear
Worth more than the lipstick or shoes and Gucci bags.

More than the price tag on your dress
More than the foundation
He is your FOUNDATION
Stop caring so much about the kind of concealer you use
Concealing the GLORY of God.
Your worth surpasses all earthly things
Because in the eyes of the Lord
'You Are Loved'
If only you knew
'You are God's SELFIE'.

So, walk with your shoulders high
Eyes shining bright
Joy in every step that you take
Greatness is not far fetched
Greatness is within you

So move beyond the status quo
For you were made to stand out
Don't succumb to mediocrity
But live proudly, excellently in all royalty as
The KING'S DAUGHTER.

"The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Saviour God wants us to live"

1 Timothy 2:1-3 Msg

Her fragrance brings smile to many.
Her presence commands respect.
Although she may not meet all needs,
She clearly can quench wants.

She's a gift, a reward.
She's a trainer, a steward.
She's like wine, she's like poison
A beautiful sunshine, a night-time melody.

By herself, she is neutral
She absorbs her personality from you.
She loves to work but she won't,
Except you give her a job to do.

Good jobs, bad jobs and ugly,
Your wish is her command.
And although people say she's bad,
She's good, it's your heart that's not.

What if I told you that everything that you feared existed just in your head
And all the things that made you scared was just because you let them.
What if I told you that the mountains that you refused to climb
And the valleys that you refused to run through
Were the stumbling blocks to your breakthrough.

What if I told you that you were the devil
The demon preventing you from your destiny
The one holding you back from the future you can see.
What if I say you were the one that tied your hands
And prevented your eyes from seeing that breakthrough
And great you that God has created you to become and
What if I told you
That you tied your feet
And prevented your spirit from waking up and walking into your victory.

What if
I told you that there was nothing holding you back
What if I told you that the shackles that you thought were on your hands and feet
Were actually broken off
But they existed only in your mind
Tying your mental faculties
And restraining your imaginative abilities.
And what if I told you
That the only thing preventing you from who are meant to be is YOU!

"Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction."
2 Timothy 4:2

WAIT!
Before you pull the trigger of the gun pointed to your head,
Before you let your foot slip off and the rope kisses your neck,
Put the pills down for a minute and just listen
Drop the knife, turn on the lights and just breathe.

Breathe...
Feel the air rush through your nostrils
And feel it as it fills your lungs
Feel your heart beat one more time
Feel the rhythm of your soul as your blood flows through your veins.

I know that life can really be unfair.
It just beats you, breaks you, crushes you
And pushes you to the wall.
Life itself is a mystery
But sometimes it get worse.
'Cause it wounds you in its tangles and it makes you feel lost.

Light slowly disperses to darkness
On the days that you find luck.
But on every other day,
Light is nothing more than a wish.

The heavy droplets of your sweat
That fight their way through your pores
Makes you feel like
Even your body is fiercely at war with you.

Nothing matters! Nobody cares!
All I do is stand and stare
I'm standing in the rush crowd
But I've never felt this alone.

Purpose? Forget about it
Joy? Its only a mirage
Love? That's just a word that gives people false hope.
Peace? Well, I can't wait to 'Rest In Peace'.

I know this is how it seems
Emptiness and hurt all around
The truth is I can't claim to understand
Or say that I feel your pain.

But I have a friend who almost took His life
He almost quit His purpose because He felt too much pain
Abandoned by His "loving" Father
His 'friends' turned their backs on Him

He hid Himself, fell to His knees
Screamed at the top of His voice and called on His Father.
But all He could let out was whispers
Because all His strength had gone out of Him

He cried heavily
Sweated profusely
Looked at His life hopelessly
But! He made it through.
He fulfilled purpose.

So, if you tell me, I may not understand it
I may not get the loneliness that you feel
And the emptiness that surrounds you
But trust me, my friend does
His name is Jesus and He cares.

So before you lose all hope
And before you quit living, forget about purpose
And choose death.
Just talk to my friend Jesus
And He will surely send you help.

Let's take a trip down to the past
Not to 2 years back
Not even 20 years ago
But to over 2000 years ago.
Back then at Calvary
Or you may call it Golgotha
A place where blood flowed
Along with pure water.
The place of shame
From which we get our glory,
Where Jesus was slain
It's more than just a story.
Look upon that cross
Not the one on your chain,
But upon that on which Christ was slain
His battered body bleeding
He was bruised for our iniquity.
He righteous was made sin
That we may be free.
Don't tell me it was the nails
That held Him there
He could have called on angels
If we weren't dear.

The past was for now
It wasn't just a show
We have been reinstated to the place where we now glow.
We are seated up above
In heavenly places
Now we have authority
In Jesus' Name.

The past was for now
He is now our how.
We do not have to worry
About tomorrow's burdens
'Cause we have learnt to trust Him
And stand upon His word
He has been our Father
And He'll take us further.

The past was for now
To strengthen us
To become co-labourers
With God on earth.

And so in this present time
We storm the world
Not an ounce ignorant of who we truly are.
We reap souls for Heaven
Even witches in covens
With signs and wonders following
In our path of glory.
We take the lead and others follow
We blaze the trails where God's name is hallowed.

Yes! In this present time
God lives in earth
Not in buildings made by hands
But in renewed men
Confirming His word
With His visible presence.

In this present time
We wave the banner of love
For it was love that held Jesus to the cross
We now  give love unrestrained
Because love is shed in our hearts.

Don't just dwell in the past
For the past was made
That the now may be referred to the past
And have authority in the present.
We live now
And now is the time
To mend the broken-hearted
To set the captives free
To declare liberty to the oppressed
To preach the good news to the poor
And YOU are God's messenger on earth
In This Present Time.

Evil communications corrupt good manners
I think I heard this phrase about a zillion times as I grew
From home to church and even in school
The truth is that I tried my best to be careful about the company I kept
I stuck with the "good" kids.
Those one who never fought nor stole
I mean that was the best I knew.


But I'm all grown now
And is pretty difficult to tell
I'm trying my best to be a good kid
Errrrrrm, I don't think I should say kid, maybe girl
I'm hanging out with those who are called "good" but really I want to be cool
In areas I stood out, I just painted myself to blend in
Oh please, I didn't want too much attention
I just wanted to be part of the squad.


Then!! Boom like a blast
Without my consent I discovered something different growing on my inside
It was some sort of cancer
The changing was much more than superficial
It was no longer beneficial.
Now I'm hurting.

Anyone ever found themselves in such a place?
When you bring the illness on yourself?
The more painful part is that since we become ashamed
We choose to hide like Adam and Eve
We try to perform our own surgeries
Forceps, scissors, incisions too deep
Now we're bleeding much more than we thought
Slowed down breathing, heart rate flat lining
Now I'm scared, could I be dying?


I thought this was the was the easy way around
The paths seem to be taking too long
I just couldn't wait for the doctor anymore
I thought I had learnt enough
And soon enough like Saul we come up with excuses like
I wanted to make a sacrifice to the Lord
Oh really?
What He wants is living sacrifices not dead ones
The ones with sweet smelling savour
Not those that are covered with stench!


And just STOP!
Stop trying to clean up yourself because you can't
All you do is introduce pathogens
And now there's an infection
At the site of the incision.
Oh my it's spreading faster than I thought!
Exactly what did you think?
Just stop trying to clean up your mess
Because you don't even know what clean is
Allow Him who is perfection
Permeate you and make you His reflection
You are His creation
His art work expression
He knows exactly  what you're supposed to be
So allow Him direct the paths of your life.


It's Kaydo

Hi everyone!
Just last weekend there was a variety night in my school and I presented this poem and I just wanted to share it with you guys. Click HERE to watch the video. I hope you guys enjoy it.

'Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky'
This nursery rhyme shaped my mind
It opened my windows, opened my blinds.

Deep down within, the quest began
For something that was more than norm.
Mediocrity, I ran from with alacrity.
The vanity of my fantasy was but elaborately a reality in a my faculties
The me you see is a product of my visions and dreams
Aspirations and pursuits, imaginations and run-throughs
The depth of my desperation for glorification made me move forth from invagination.

I made up my mind that I was going to stand
And that I was going to stand up tall.
Let me tell you my story;
I was part of a constellation, not of stars though
'Twas just a population of some species that were headed towards defeat
The end from the beginning was clearly no good
To say that I was special was absolutely not true.

Wait a minute!
Really, Skills and thrills were drills I couldn't kill
I preferred to just sit and chill with a drink
And then right before my eyes,everyone grew taller!

Now, all I really want is to be a little bit taller
My head may not reach the skies
But I believe I can fly
If I can but buy the height that my eyes could see beyond the fence
Just only if I could give life to the dreams I once had
Passions and pursuits that gave life to my roots.

shhhh!
If you're quiet enough you can hear it.
There's the war that exists between your mind and your body
That struggle for life, that bundle of July's bright flower that long to sprout but you deny.
If you're quiet enough you can hear it.
You know the dreams you had that looked beyond and saw the
Lab coats and scrubs, stethoscopes and drugs
The anatomy, physiology and psychology in real life.
The desire that you had to make a difference
To stand above the average
The courage to repair the damage with a bandage
And salvage the ravaged and discouraged with more than a baggage of adage.

Well, you still can!
That passion and affection that brought forth a reaction between your mind and your body is  still there.
You can stand up tall
Say to your dreams that were asleep;
Arise, for it's time to shine.
You can be much taller.
You can shine bright like a diamond!!


It's Kaydo ❤

I do not dispute the fact that they hurt you,
That they made life hell for you.
I remember that they broke you,
Not just your spirit and soul but even your body too.

Hopes shattered, dreams disappeared.
Right before your eyes,
Everything that once went well,
Crumbled and now lay lifeless.

Thinking of quitting?
Wait a minute!
It's not over!!

You may have fallen from heights of glory.
And you don't look like where you've been.
And no, I don't mean that in a good way.
I mean like your story is all misery.
Still, it's not over.

You are royalty!
I know you may find it hard to believe.
At least at this very moment.
A while ago that may have brought you relief,
But right now it has no effect.

shhhhh!
Silence your fears and defeat
Mount up your stand one more time
If you want it, you would get it
If you want it, you would get it.

Just rely on Him who's greater,
He knows the very path for you.
Trust me, you would come out better.
Just don't give up.
It's not OVER!!!

What happens when you get into trouble?
What do you do when you kinda stumble?
A lot of people choose to look outside the window
Try to fix their wounds with broken needles.

But really,
Why do people trust themselves less these days?
Why have we given our power and authority
To those who don't deserve it?
We let those who are weaker than we are take the lead
When we're meant to be the breed that's in charge.

What exactly happened to our self-esteem?
We seem comfortable these days hiding behind the curtains
But we're supposed to put up the show!
We're meant to show the world what life's meant to be
Hmmmm!
But no, we would rather watch from the stage.
We put ourselves in cages and let the audience act.

But why have we chosen mediocrity in place of authority?
Why have we chosen back stage and walked out of the spot light?
Why do our gazes change from upwards to backwards?
Why have we allowed our pasts to hold captive,
When in truth, we have been delivered from them?

We have allowed ourselves to SELF DESTRUCT just because we lacked knowledge
But really, all there is that is to be known  is already on our inside!
We just haven't reached into the well of knowledge that resides within.
Just only if we would reach in and see map
And stop getting distracted by what's happening on the outside.

Then we would begin living from the inside out.
Then we would have defined who exactly we are.
Then we would not have to try to be ROYALS because we already are.
And then we would guard our birthright with all diligence.
Because then we would realize that it's worth much more than any pot of porridge.

But there's so much that we're meant to be.
Much more than we can even THINK or SEE
Don't even try to limit what you think.
Because your mind cannot fully comprehend
All of the things that we're meant to be.