Welp! This is getting more difficult. I really didn't want to write on this. I put off writing this for a couple of days, tried to change the topic but I really felt like this was what God wanted me to write on so here we go.

ATTENTION
I'm at ease when I have attention except when I am on stage and fear clumps my larynx or when I am next to a stranger and anxiety grips my tongue. And no, with all my attention-seeking thoughts and actions, I haven't feigned fainting, yet.
I do some really regular things but deep in my heart, I know that I am doing them for the attention they'll bring.

I want to say again that social media is the devil but I know that God is there too but some days I catch myself deciding to post certain things on Instagram simply because I know that it'll give me more engagement. This, in itself, is not bad. Especially if one is a content creator and your job centres around creating engaging content.

 My purpose for creating content anyway is a little different. The goal is not me, I am not the goal. Sometimes, I forget that and I begin to desire to post things that indirectly make me the goal. In those moments, I feel God nudging me, reminding me of my purpose. There's the check in my heart; are you just doing this because of what people would say to your glory or are you doing it for God?

I am not the goal, the goal is not me but sometimes I forget and the wrong motives cloud my vision. I stand and I speak and want the glory to myself. There are the days when I desire acknowledgement. The 'you spoke well', 'you spoke to me', 'thank you for sharing'. I desire all these selfishly, for myself, to fan the flame of my ego as if to say 'well-done girl, you have done it again'. Like I had the power to speak good, to speak to people, to touch lives. As if my lips weren't taught by the Father on how to speak. As if He didn't give my fingers the words to write.

I like attention and I crave it. The Father is teaching me that it isn't about me, that I don't do it for the applause or the accolades. He's teaching my heart that He is the goal. He's teaching me to focus on Him, to speak when He instructs. He's teaching me that although I possess 'wisdom' on a certain topic, it isn't wise to speak on it when He doesn't want me to.
Speaking could get me all the attention I desire but it could also mean that my attention has shifted from Him.

This is uncomfortable but I am growing.