I never know how to describe myself accurately. I resort to a couple of default labels.
Hi, I'm Gift but you can call me Kaydo. I am a girl? Okay, I'm a Bible teacher, medical student, poet? I'll describe myself as an introvert on most days, extrovert when I have the energy. Overthinker is one of my most recent addition to my collection of labels.

 I like to have 'clarity' on everything so the slightest hint of dark waters causes my heart to tremble and it doesn't even matter if it's the Master who's calling me out upon the waters. My heart wants to know everything down to the last detail so on days when it feels like I don't have the full picture or when it seems like a single pixel is missing from the image, I run into a frenzy.

Overthinking is just another cute name for worry. So I'm a 'worrier'. Steadily being a warrior in battles that I don't need to fight. Thinking up multiple alternative endings for this movie I'm starring in; the movie called 'my life'.

It's difficult to live life. It really is complex. To just wing it or to ride on the wings of peace. To rest assured even in uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me to do.

Abba is constantly reminding me of the fact that the job to be all-knowing is His not mine but no, I want to be God, to be omniscient. It's why I keep googling my symptoms, trying to stay alive the longest, trying to see what others have done and would do if they were in my shoes. I forget that they are not me. Are they me? Am I they? No.
If I could have any superpower, I would like to be omniscient so that I would know how to live this thing called life. I often find myself in the headspace where I would like to have the cheat code, the past questions and in fact the definite answer to the questions life keeps throwing at me.

I forget that with all my limitations as a human, omniscience would lead to a further desire to be omnipotent and that is a quality that God, and only God, possesses.
So, subtly, my heart craves to be God. It is a hushed declaration that maybe God isn't God enough. That maybe I could do a better job at being God than God Himself. It is a silent desire to be God over my life to be sovereign over my affairs.

But that isn't possible. I am not God. God is God and I am His child.

If there's one lesson that I feel like God has been teaching me for the longest of times, it is about trust. I am not the best at relinquishing trust and going all-in but that's exactly what Abba wants me to do, to trust Him, to go all-in with Him.

So, even on the days when I don't see clearly, on the days the water is wavy, on the days when my feet are shaky, I can trust God. I can be calm and not overthink myself into a hopeless state.
On the days when nothing makes sense, I will not worry, I will trust the mighty warrior, the One who is always victorious, the One who causes me to triumph. I will rest.
I will let God be God and rest in my place as His child. I will trust that He watches me, that He has a plan for my life and isn't just winging it when it comes to my life.

So, if there is any label that I will take on, it is the one of being God's child.
Hi, I'm Kaydo and my middle name is Peace.