You think you're winning then in a split minute your heel is struck.

I could leave out this detail but I'm choosing not to. I had a breakdown after publishing yesterday's entry. I started thinking of how I wasn't doing anything with my life, seeing all the areas where I wasn't doing enough. I started worrying about where I was headed if I was going anywhere at all. I wondered if I was moving at the right pace if I had enough enthusiasm towards life.
There were lies in my head, lots of them. Do you know what made it weird? Although I knew that they were lies, I was meditating on them.

I prayed. I had to keep reminding my heart that Papa loves me. God loves me. God loves me. God loves me. Sometimes, it appears shocking that primary truths can be forgotten. The gravity of such reminders to one's soul cannot be overemphasized. I love that fact that Papa speaks. His words though stern were very reassuring. Peace comes from trusting in His work and trusting in His word.
When I write about protecting peace, what I really mean is in protecting the word of God in your heart and not allowing situations take it away from you.



I spoke to a friend, I had a clearer perspective, I focused on the truth.

A while back, one of my friends told me about how I allow the smallest things to ruin my mood. I didn't agree. Today, I finally realized it. Something very small and insignificant happened in class today and my mood was affected. It was a while later that it occurred to me that what my friend actually said was true.
Gift!!! Protect your joy!! It's a fruit of your spirit!

About today's creative expression, I was starting to wonder if I had not shot myself in the foot by deciding to do this. Not because I doubt my creativity but because the only thing the cold is inspiring at the moment is sleep and laziness but laziness is not my identity. Amen? Amen. So I'll do it and I'll share it, no matter how I feel and not succumbing to the thoughts of it not being good enough. Just in case you didn't notice, that was me convincing myself to post today's work so here you go.

Mundane shot

I love shooting on cloudy days, there's just a different vibe to the pictures. I actually love shooting bare trees, I can't explain it. There's something about how they look.
I don't think this is my best work but I actually like it. Especially since I took some time to do some editing. (That's one other thing I'm getting better at)

Who knows what tomorrow's creative expression will be?


There's a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

It is 19:04. Today's post is due in a few minutes. Let's see what I can come up with.

My phone went bad yesterday. I took it for repair today. I'm phoneless at the moment. Apart from when I woke up from my nap and was frantically searching for my phone for five minutes so I could check the time, I'm coping really well.
I've been playing with the idea of being off most social media platforms in 2020, I haven't decided yet.

I read the entry from Day 1 again, it's safe to say that I'm still on track. Today is just day 10 and that means that I've documented one-third of this documentary already. What have I noticed?

1. There's a bully in my mind. On most days, it acts all tough and tries to intimidate me. It comes dressed up in lies of my not being good enough. This is how I win; knowing that this bully isn't very tough. This is how I win daily, knowing who I am and whose I am and what I am indeed capable of.
2. It always looks difficult until it is done. We are very attached to our phones, and it can appear like a nightmare to spend hours away from it. Just before my phone went bad completely, I was checking the stats on how often I use it. Maybe I didn't see clearly but it appeared like I was unlocking my phone every 3 minutes on the average. Wow. I thought that I could never stay away from my phone especially in the early hours of the day but as time has come to tell, I actually can.
3. Triggers: they are everywhere, at least for me. It is wise to not put yourself in situations that will stir up undue emotions. I talk about staying off social media and how it is a big deal for me. What I probably haven't mentioned yet is how it is one of my biggest triggers. I get mini panic attacks and episodes where my mood drops. Spending less time on social media has helped me manage my mood. Being conscious of the kind of content that I consume has helped also.
4. It gets easier as you do it. These days, it's been a lot easier to fight off wrong thoughts. It's been a lot easier to figure out and meditate on 'whatsoever things are true..'. It wasn't always this easy but with constant practise I'm getting better at it. 

Usually, when I publish a post, my heart starts getting a bit anxious and I keep checking the stats and trying to figure out how to improve them at that moment. I don't think that it is unimportant to find ways to improve your reach but when it is at the expense of your peace, maybe something needs to be checked.

Before I clicked publish yesterday, I prayed. After I clicked publish, I wasn't worried, I was at peace.

I get bored quite quickly. Often when I find a new project, I dive in with a lot of enthusiasm. Soon after, however, the vibe dies down. Is it just me? I'm starting to feel that way with this series. The good thing is that I am not going anywhere whether my feelings line up or not and like I'm learning, I'll teach my body how to feel.

Although I know otherwise, my default thought is usually that prayer has to be done in a particular frame of mind and by that I mean, for it to be prayer, the only thing you must be doing at that moment is praying. As much as I am not undermining the place of concentration in prayer, I am discovering that there is a mine of free time and random thoughts that can be converted into moments of prayer.

There is the confidence that is embedded in my day when I start it off with praying and praying well. lol, because there be days when you know you actually didn't pray 'prayer'. Today was one of those days that started with a high.
I am starting to amaze myself with how I am not exactly going on social media until the stipulated time. When I started, it seemed like the most difficult thing and I almost quit at a point but seeing the progress now feels really good.

Today was pretty much a chill day and chill days are good too.
I think I need to read the entry from Day 1 again just to remind me of the purpose of this series.


I almost forgot that I designed this yesterday. I create all my designs on this blog and all my social media platforms. I want to say that I'm not that good but ha, I'm actually pretty decent.
Back to the post. Let's just say that my friends have sense!!! The words rang deep within me. Especially that second line!!! In today's craze of going for the bag, securing the bag and the like, it can be quite easy to forget to protect your peace.

I love this journey that I am on and I appreciate the fact that you're on it with me.
There is a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

Not much has happened today and I've been wondering if I would be able to string the mundane, regular day into a blog that's worth reading.

I've discovered that I have a routine and although it wasn't one that I set out to create, it's one that I like. I haven't been giving myself to mindless scrolling on Instagram or Twitter and it seems like I have found my way out of the black hole of youtube too. While I was pondering on this, it occurred to me that while I wasn't exactly working to curb those excesses, I was intentionally working on strengthening my blogging routine.

It is the principle of 'walk in the spirit and you will not fulfil the lust of the flesh'. The way to overcome the flesh isn't by saying that won't give in to its desires, it is by walking in the spirit. The way to overcome a bad habit is to replace it with a good one. This is starting to sound preachy and this is supposed to be a documentary but even documentaries have commentaries too, right?

A random picture from this morning

This morning, I woke up feeling weird. This wasn't anxiety creeping in, it was a wave of heaviness and because I've also been intentional about guarding my joy, I was telling myself to rise above it. It still felt a little intense especially since I was almost crying while watching a video on YouTube. Dazz when it occurred to me what the culprit may be. Do you want to guess? Let's see who gets it right in the comments.

Today is a commentary day so I'll just say this, observe yourself, know your triggers. That way, you can learn how to be prepared beforehand for the battle.

There's really not to so much to share today and while there was the temptation to not write at all, I decided to do so because this is more than just a fight against anxiety, it is a fight against indiscipline and inconsistency.

There is a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

inR.p.: Tab. Mind Battle 500mg
      Dtd: No 30 in tab.
       S: Take 2 tablets per os stat
            then one tablet per os at 8pm daily.

I was going to prescribe this as an injection just so I could inject it in your veins but I don't like needles so here you go.

I couldn't blog yesterday. Usually, I would beat myself up and feel bad about it but I did neither. I'm not sure if this is progress or not because as much as I think that it is a good thing that I am learning to control my feelings, I am not sure if it's not a bad thing to not feel bad for not keeping up to commitments. Oh well.

Yesterday, my church had an event. If you have some time and data, you should watch it here. It was a music concert thingy, lol. Like all events, planning and organizing can be stressful. Things came up and we were getting worried but everything worked out fine at the end. I made up my mind before that I wasn't going to allow anything to steal my joy. I was going to respond with joy and stay in a great frame of mind.
During all the things that came up, I stayed calm and just reminded myself that it would all work out in the end. I even gave pep talks to about 3 people but my dear, after a while, I was going to breakdown. I had exhausted my energy. I was trying to reach out to one of my friends and they were offline. I tried calling and apparently I was out of airtime so my call couldn't go through. I managed to stay afloat for a few more minutes, gasping for breath while I recharged and then finally got across to them.

I explained the current situation I was in and how things weren't going as planned and after, they offered to pray for me. Tears!!!!!! Okay, I didn't really cry but I was so touched. As soon as they prayed, I felt so much better. It was like I had refilled my tank. I was ready to face the world, like come at me with all that you've got, I'm ready.

Friends are good, Christians friends are very important. They'll help you through your weak moments and don't try to claim 'tough guy', you'll have weak moments too.

At this point, mo ti tired. (someone stop me and my terrible Yoruba😂)

I really thought that I would be able to blog by the time we finished, even it meant posting later than 8pm but by the time I got to my room, I literally couldn't. My back hurt and my body was tired. All I could focus on was rest. I had a good night.

I'm starting to have really funny conversations with Abba. This morning when my alarm rang, I started praying but as much as I hate to admit it, I slept right back. By the time I woke up completely, it was morning morning, it was bright outside and Papa was like, 'okay, it's time to get up now'. Maybe it's not that funny but knowing that I was going to go another round of half-asleep prayer, it was funny to me.

Church was good. I had a good time. Today was another of those days when things don't go as planned and I was going to sulk but I kept reminding myself that I wouldn't allow anyone to take my joy.

I preached today, please don't ask me for a recording or my notes.😀 I was a little nervous and I had this whole conversation with Papa as to why He would give me an 'upbeat' sermon on a day when everyone was just tired and drowsy. Let's just say the sermon went a lot better than I expected.

In recent days, I have spent less time than usual on social media. That used to give me FOMO but I feel good and I'm not worried about missing out on anything. This is progress.
This is something that I probably have to learn and get grounded in; I mean JOMO because I think 2020 will be the year of doing less, seeing less but still making a great impact.
(FOMO- fear of missing out. JOMO- the joy of missing out. You're welcome)

There is an ease that comes with constant practice. I'm finding it easier to replace wrong ideas with the right ones and lies with truth.
There is a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This a documentary on how I win.

See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

It's easy to throw stones at Thomas because he looked for the nails in the Master's hand but I don't see you throwing stones at yourself when you search for holes in what the Master has told you.

Reboot camp has been for me. Every session, every word, it has been precision on a whole different level! Haaaaa!!! Whew!!!!! Let me calm down a bit.

I really don't know how to form the words. So much for one who identifies as a writer because I'm not sure what to write or where to start.
Let's start in the morning.
Today was one of those days when I woke up ready to face the day. There's the kind of 'high' that the spirit gives and I woke up high.

It was another day of praying under my breath (this is about to be my way of life).

I washed my hair today. #teamnatural #ifinallycombedmyhair #lazynatural #livingwithunplannedlocs #detanglingisalot #whatarethesehashtags
My plan was to pray while I washed my hair and the temptation came to play ludo instead. It had me at first guys but glorrrry to God, I stopped halfway. (mostly because my hands were wet plus I remembered the original plan).

Right after detangling, afternoon session started and I don't remember what happened exactly but I know that for one split second, I was doubting God. The devil stays working guys!!!! But do you remember what I said on day 3? 'When the battle comes, don't run. This is what you've been training for'.
So, as quickly as the doubt came, it dispersed!! God is trustworthy. He can definitely be trusted!



One thing that stuck with me today is that this prayer thing, we must pray it. And the more amazing thing is that God will speak. He wants to speak. He wants to lead us. He wants to show us our future and guard our steps.
When we look at the life of Jesus, we observe that His life was a series of fulfilled prophecies. Just imagine your life like that!!!!
Wheeeew!

I've never done this before but while I was praying, I had this word drop in my heart. I know that someone reading this, God has given you instructions on what to do and you're doubting. Your heart has been trying to make excuses, saying maybe this isn't God but Papa says to tell you to trust Him and that He has the greatest expression of love for you.

I want to make it a point of duty to always pray for every one of my posts, that the Father will minister through them. It is becoming clearer by the day that this is indeed ministry and I really want to position myself properly in line with the Father to minister.

There's a battle in my mind. It is full of anxiety and untrue thoughts. This is a documentary on how I win.
See you tomorrow at 20:00 GMT+2

Some days will seem mundane and plain. It'll seem like nothing is happening. Don't be deceived, there are silent victories embedded there too.

1, 2, 3, trouble! When the battle comes, don't run, this is what you've been training for.
Today, my eyes welled up a little then someone came in..

Yesterday, my dad visited my blog and although he didn't leave a comment, I know that he did because he shared the link to one of the pictures on this blog on his WhatsApp status. I always feel excited when I see that he shares my blog. I realize that maybe I am actually doing something right, He is actually proud of me. You know, you can coerce your friends to share your stuff all you want but your parents, there's no forcing them.

When I saw the stats from the first day, my heart sunk a little because of how little the views were. I felt like I had put my heart and soul into this and this is all that I get in return. I feel a little hesitant sharing and promoting this series on my social media because it is mostly self-centred. How do I shout that you should look at my soul? This is how I faced that battle, I told myself that this is a documentary. It fulfils it's purpose when it is seen. I told myself that it's okay to feel sad when it seems like you're not getting enough returns for your 'investment' but in this ministry because that is what this is, every single person matters.

Everything boils down to my need for validation. If I am doing well enough, more people will visit and share my blog. That's enough on this. By the way, we crossed 50k views on the blog, I did a little happy dance.

This morning, I spent a whopping 30 minutes on social media before devotion. I am not sure if I want to talk about this because it isn't exactly in line with this series or is it? I am afraid of silence. After studying, I just move swiftly over to social media, to update my mind on the actions of others while I was asleep. FOMO.
I keep getting mad at myself for breaking the rule on social media usage but it occurred to me that I only said that I wasn't going to use social media before 10, I didn't say what I was going to do instead.


I haven't really been praying on my own, it seems like I have become so overly dependent or group devotions that I am slacking on personal time. I didn't feel like praying much this morning but I tell myself that I am going to be present whether I feel like it or not. While the person in charge led, she said something, 'as believers we have the same authority as Jesus did while He was on earth', something along those lines. Suddenly, a thought flashed through my head, doubting what she had said. I immediately recognized that it was the enemy and I called my thoughts to order because indeed, the believer has been given the authority in Jesus' name.

I created a to-do list, I didn't use it.

Tears

I'm starting to feel like this was a bad decision. Who said that I couldn't be accountable and intentionally watch my thoughts without having to write about it for the world to see? This is not the first time that I've had such kinds of mini-regret thoughts. But what exactly is there to lose? I'm documenting my battles while sharpening my writing skills so what is there to lose? Nothing girl, just breathe.

Let's begin

Сьогодні

I told myself that I was going to start doing this from the first of December. It is the second already and the time is 16:38. I don't know if I'll publish this today but here goes nothing.

The Problem

Recently I noticed that I have a bit of a problem. Maybe not just a bit but the thing is that there's a problem somewhere. I used to pride myself as one who wouldn't get anxious years ago. In recent days, anxiety seems to have gotten a hold of me. My mind is always running in circles, leaving me exhausted even after doing practically nothing all day.
This is my first problem. I let overthinking fill my mind; pondering on the minute things and not exactly giving much thought to the more important things. One would think that since I have made a habit of overthinking that I would think a lot about my life, make plans for even my day but that's not so. I decide to drink daily from the cup of 'I cannot come and go and kill myself'.

It started off as a way to curb my anxious thoughts but slowly it has turned into a medium for.. what's the word, not being preoccupied? avoiding life? I don't remember but I hope you get me. So, the moments when my mind can be silent, I fill them with random emptiness, moments of; funny videos, Netflix series, endless scrolling through the highlights of others and then starting to feel sorry for myself.

My second problem is that when I eventually give room for my thoughts, I think the least of myself. There's a bully in my head. The bully is me. I never think that I'm good enough or reaching enough or that I'm reaching anyone. I rarely think that I am on the right track at the least or that I'm making progress.
My mind often amplifies the mistakes that I make and never believes in the moves that I'll make. I always have a smile on my face when my friends tell me how good I am but I rarely ever believe them. Maybe it's a way of protecting my heart. From what? I do not know.

The Solution?

Have you ever looked into the face of a new born? You can literary see the peace and comfort in their eyes. For them, there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. All they need is readily provided for them. As we grow older, that total peace seem to slowly diminish. Responsibilities begin to appear on all sides, the need to be better shows up and if we don't keep ourselves in check, we would realize that we begin to live everyday in worry.

What exactly is worry?