Some days will seem mundane and plain. It'll seem like nothing is happening. Don't be deceived, there are silent victories embedded there too.

1, 2, 3, trouble! When the battle comes, don't run, this is what you've been training for.
Today, my eyes welled up a little then someone came in..

Yesterday, my dad visited my blog and although he didn't leave a comment, I know that he did because he shared the link to one of the pictures on this blog on his WhatsApp status. I always feel excited when I see that he shares my blog. I realize that maybe I am actually doing something right, He is actually proud of me. You know, you can coerce your friends to share your stuff all you want but your parents, there's no forcing them.

When I saw the stats from the first day, my heart sunk a little because of how little the views were. I felt like I had put my heart and soul into this and this is all that I get in return. I feel a little hesitant sharing and promoting this series on my social media because it is mostly self-centred. How do I shout that you should look at my soul? This is how I faced that battle, I told myself that this is a documentary. It fulfils it's purpose when it is seen. I told myself that it's okay to feel sad when it seems like you're not getting enough returns for your 'investment' but in this ministry because that is what this is, every single person matters.

Everything boils down to my need for validation. If I am doing well enough, more people will visit and share my blog. That's enough on this. By the way, we crossed 50k views on the blog, I did a little happy dance.

This morning, I spent a whopping 30 minutes on social media before devotion. I am not sure if I want to talk about this because it isn't exactly in line with this series or is it? I am afraid of silence. After studying, I just move swiftly over to social media, to update my mind on the actions of others while I was asleep. FOMO.
I keep getting mad at myself for breaking the rule on social media usage but it occurred to me that I only said that I wasn't going to use social media before 10, I didn't say what I was going to do instead.


I haven't really been praying on my own, it seems like I have become so overly dependent or group devotions that I am slacking on personal time. I didn't feel like praying much this morning but I tell myself that I am going to be present whether I feel like it or not. While the person in charge led, she said something, 'as believers we have the same authority as Jesus did while He was on earth', something along those lines. Suddenly, a thought flashed through my head, doubting what she had said. I immediately recognized that it was the enemy and I called my thoughts to order because indeed, the believer has been given the authority in Jesus' name.

I created a to-do list, I didn't use it.

Tears

I'm starting to feel like this was a bad decision. Who said that I couldn't be accountable and intentionally watch my thoughts without having to write about it for the world to see? This is not the first time that I've had such kinds of mini-regret thoughts. But what exactly is there to lose? I'm documenting my battles while sharpening my writing skills so what is there to lose? Nothing girl, just breathe.

Let's begin

Сьогодні

I told myself that I was going to start doing this from the first of December. It is the second already and the time is 16:38. I don't know if I'll publish this today but here goes nothing.

The Problem

Recently I noticed that I have a bit of a problem. Maybe not just a bit but the thing is that there's a problem somewhere. I used to pride myself as one who wouldn't get anxious years ago. In recent days, anxiety seems to have gotten a hold of me. My mind is always running in circles, leaving me exhausted even after doing practically nothing all day.
This is my first problem. I let overthinking fill my mind; pondering on the minute things and not exactly giving much thought to the more important things. One would think that since I have made a habit of overthinking that I would think a lot about my life, make plans for even my day but that's not so. I decide to drink daily from the cup of 'I cannot come and go and kill myself'.

It started off as a way to curb my anxious thoughts but slowly it has turned into a medium for.. what's the word, not being preoccupied? avoiding life? I don't remember but I hope you get me. So, the moments when my mind can be silent, I fill them with random emptiness, moments of; funny videos, Netflix series, endless scrolling through the highlights of others and then starting to feel sorry for myself.

My second problem is that when I eventually give room for my thoughts, I think the least of myself. There's a bully in my head. The bully is me. I never think that I'm good enough or reaching enough or that I'm reaching anyone. I rarely think that I am on the right track at the least or that I'm making progress.
My mind often amplifies the mistakes that I make and never believes in the moves that I'll make. I always have a smile on my face when my friends tell me how good I am but I rarely ever believe them. Maybe it's a way of protecting my heart. From what? I do not know.

The Solution?

Whew! See eh, I was taken aback a bit by that response but I didn't hesitate to realize that it was indeed true.

I'm not sure if the concept of a noisy mind is clear to you so I'll explain a bit.
My mind is said to be noisy when it is in fact, noisy. Cares and worries flood my mind. There are several thoughts on my mind once I am awake. Most of all, my mind is fixed on the least important things for the most part and there's really no space left for the major things to bloom.



Since I've started exposing myself on the street, I might as well continue. Let me tell you what has been making my mind noisy. Guy! It's not what you're thinking, nothing major happened to me. I'm so shy about saying this but it's my phone and movies. I know, I know, at my age, it's phone that's occupying my mind.
I was trying before, in fact, I had broken the cycle and I wouldn't check my phone when I woke up till I had finished my devotion and was ready to face my day but dears, this phone has tied me down.

You know what, I'll write a whole blog post on my phone addiction and how I'm dealing with it but for now, let's go back to my noisy mind. I had time to think and meditate on everything but God. I even gave time to thinking about service and ministry but there wasn't any stillness and focus on Abba.

How am I decluttering my mind?

• Spend your time right; pray and study. The things I spend my time doing create a great influence on what my mind is fixed on. I cannot want to hear Papa's voice clearly and then not spend time with Him. I mean, it makes sense to recognise my dad's voice since I grew up hearing it, how much more Papa. This is how I learn His voice, by reading His word; His voice is clearest there. 

• Pick your thoughts right; meditate on the word. As much as it seems like thinking is such a passive action, the passiveness of your thoughts are a cumulative effects of the things that you've done actively. (I know, even I am confused). My point is that if I want the word of God to be in my default thoughts, I have to actively train my mind to think in line with it.

• Feed your mind right; music and sermons. I can't be feeding on trash and expecting to grow healthy. I cannot be watching just series and expect to hear the voice of God in the midst of things. My dear, you will hear the voice of Mr Bean (pun intended). I intentionally listen to sermons and Christian music. Music plays an important role in leading your thoughts. Just try it, take a fast on secular music for a while and listen to just gospel songs; that thing does something to you.

SPF is the key guys.😂

It may not be that God is silent, your heart may just be fixed on so many other things that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that He isn't speaking, you may just have dulled your heart, noised your mind that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that God is silent, you just have gotten too caught up in your world that you forgot to read His word.