Whew! See eh, I was taken aback a bit by that response but I didn't hesitate to realize that it was indeed true.

I'm not sure if the concept of a noisy mind is clear to you so I'll explain a bit.
My mind is said to be noisy when it is in fact, noisy. Cares and worries flood my mind. There are several thoughts on my mind once I am awake. Most of all, my mind is fixed on the least important things for the most part and there's really no space left for the major things to bloom.



Since I've started exposing myself on the street, I might as well continue. Let me tell you what has been making my mind noisy. Guy! It's not what you're thinking, nothing major happened to me. I'm so shy about saying this but it's my phone and movies. I know, I know, at my age, it's phone that's occupying my mind.
I was trying before, in fact, I had broken the cycle and I wouldn't check my phone when I woke up till I had finished my devotion and was ready to face my day but dears, this phone has tied me down.

You know what, I'll write a whole blog post on my phone addiction and how I'm dealing with it but for now, let's go back to my noisy mind. I had time to think and meditate on everything but God. I even gave time to thinking about service and ministry but there wasn't any stillness and focus on Abba.

How am I decluttering my mind?

• Spend your time right; pray and study. The things I spend my time doing create a great influence on what my mind is fixed on. I cannot want to hear Papa's voice clearly and then not spend time with Him. I mean, it makes sense to recognise my dad's voice since I grew up hearing it, how much more Papa. This is how I learn His voice, by reading His word; His voice is clearest there. 

• Pick your thoughts right; meditate on the word. As much as it seems like thinking is such a passive action, the passiveness of your thoughts are a cumulative effects of the things that you've done actively. (I know, even I am confused). My point is that if I want the word of God to be in my default thoughts, I have to actively train my mind to think in line with it.

• Feed your mind right; music and sermons. I can't be feeding on trash and expecting to grow healthy. I cannot be watching just series and expect to hear the voice of God in the midst of things. My dear, you will hear the voice of Mr Bean (pun intended). I intentionally listen to sermons and Christian music. Music plays an important role in leading your thoughts. Just try it, take a fast on secular music for a while and listen to just gospel songs; that thing does something to you.

SPF is the key guys.😂

It may not be that God is silent, your heart may just be fixed on so many other things that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that He isn't speaking, you may just have dulled your heart, noised your mind that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that God is silent, you just have gotten too caught up in your world that you forgot to read His word.

Some people can do things and keep doing things even in extremely difficult situations. Some people can keep up with their scheduled life in the face of uncomfortable situations.

Some people... I think you get my point now.

The thing is that I am not some people.
I haven't fully learnt how to keep running when wounded or how to keep talking when my body yearns for droplets of dihydrogen monoxide. (Someone really needs to tell me that everything isn't a poem)

For real though, I haven't learnt to keep doing what I'm supposed when things aren't acting right. I don't know how to keep up with responsibilities when more urgent responsibilities are at the door. Maybe, just maybe, I haven't learnt how to multitask effectively.

I haven't been here for 3 weeks. It wasn't because I had some difficult situation to deal with, I was just busy. Honestly, I could have squeezed some time out of my busy schedule to come to share a few things with you but I didn't.

Let's put this here like I'm a fashion blogger

Stepping out of my 'busy' zone, the first couple of thoughts that flooded my mind were judgemental. It's easy to tell others not to judge you but how do you tell the choir to shut up? That their songs though harmonious, aren't what's needed now.
My mind was loud with 'see your life'. The congregational hymn was 'lazy incompetence'. And the choir seemed to like 'can you get anything right?'

A lot of the time, these unruly expectations that my mind cooks up are as a result of what my eyes have beheld in the lives of others. How they juggle several things while I can only hold two at a time, how they live super lives while I struggle with my normal.

The truth is that I don't consider myself as super! Whew! I said it, I'm not super, I'm not supergirl, or superwoman or any other superhero. My pain threshold is low and so is my threshold for stress.
I'm not excusing what people will consider laziness, I just to a certain extent know my body and understand how much stress I can take per time. In fact, I don't consider myself as lazy, I just know and prefer to focus on one or a couple of tasks at the same time and when more important tasks come, the ones that can be paused are paused.

While I learn to build my body and toughen my mind, I will do what I can and not feel bad about it.

This post is short and I know it, maybe the next one will be longer, maybe not. This may be the end of the strip show but who knows. My heart is currently bursting with ideas that my mind hasn't thought through and my mouth (or fingers) is (are) tempted to spill. Yet, I will be wise and silent.

There are moments in my walk with God when it appears like I can feel God so closely. He feels as close as the wind in my face, the clothes on my skin, shoes that hug my feet perfectly. On those days His presence feels close, it feels overwhelming, I mean, the good kind of overwhelming.

There are moments when the voice of God is always in my ear. He's speaking constantly. There are instructions here and there; go there, speak to that person, stop! There are days when before my fears appear completely, God's voice resounds in my heart, 'I am with you'.

There are moments when in spite of life's tough gbas, the joy that the Father gives appears as accurate gbos to the gbas. It is so liquidy the next person could touch it, feel it, stare in wonder as to why I would be so joyful in spite.

Those moments, those days, make my life look like a supernatural experience. Not like it isn't on other days but in those moments, I stand more convinced of the supernatural. I mean, my life looks a little like the shadow of 'Acts of the Apostles'.


There are also days when I feel nothing. I don't feel the 'presence' of God. It seems like His voice is far away. You know that cloud 9 feeling, goosebumps chilling encounters, yeah, none of them happening. I simply feel nothing.

There are days when joy seems to be far fetched and laughter is a stretch that I currently cannot afford. There are days when my lips whisper 'God is with me' but my heart finds it hard to believe because there's no wind, no clothes, no tight shoe feeling in my soul. My life may feel like a reenactment of 'Esther', only hints of God, no mention of Him.

On those days, there's the ease to believe that God isn't nearby, that the fact that I can't feel anything must be proof of some disconnect. That maybe I'm not good enough and that I haven't worked hard enough as if it was because of my works that I could 'feel' His presence.

I'm learning that that isn't the truth. I am God's child and I am His temple and that means that He dwells in me. He's no temporary resident, He has taken up home in me forever! This implies that whether I 'feel' Him or not, God is in me. God is a whole God and to reduce Him to just a feeling would be sheer ignorance.

I would love to say that I have learned completely that my life is a constant supernatural experience but the truth is that I haven't. Still, the Father is teaching my heart that this walk is not one that will be perfected by feelings, it is one that is made perfect by faith.
He is teaching me that He is still holding my hands even when it doesn't feel so.
He is teaching me that His joy is still in my heart even when my world is crashing. And maybe my world isn't crashing because He holds my world in His hands.
He is teaching me that even without the goosebumps, He still fills my heart with His love, liquid love.

So on the days when I feel Him and on the days when I feel nothing, this confidence remains, I am His temple, I am His child and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I never know how to describe myself accurately. I resort to a couple of default labels.
Hi, I'm Gift but you can call me Kaydo. I am a girl? Okay, I'm a Bible teacher, medical student, poet? I'll describe myself as an introvert on most days, extrovert when I have the energy. Overthinker is one of my most recent addition to my collection of labels.

 I like to have 'clarity' on everything so the slightest hint of dark waters causes my heart to tremble and it doesn't even matter if it's the Master who's calling me out upon the waters. My heart wants to know everything down to the last detail so on days when it feels like I don't have the full picture or when it seems like a single pixel is missing from the image, I run into a frenzy.

Overthinking is just another cute name for worry. So I'm a 'worrier'. Steadily being a warrior in battles that I don't need to fight. Thinking up multiple alternative endings for this movie I'm starring in; the movie called 'my life'.

It's difficult to live life. It really is complex. To just wing it or to ride on the wings of peace. To rest assured even in uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me to do.

Abba is constantly reminding me of the fact that the job to be all-knowing is His not mine but no, I want to be God, to be omniscient. It's why I keep googling my symptoms, trying to stay alive the longest, trying to see what others have done and would do if they were in my shoes. I forget that they are not me. Are they me? Am I they? No.
If I could have any superpower, I would like to be omniscient so that I would know how to live this thing called life. I often find myself in the headspace where I would like to have the cheat code, the past questions and in fact the definite answer to the questions life keeps throwing at me.

I forget that with all my limitations as a human, omniscience would lead to a further desire to be omnipotent and that is a quality that God, and only God, possesses.
So, subtly, my heart craves to be God. It is a hushed declaration that maybe God isn't God enough. That maybe I could do a better job at being God than God Himself. It is a silent desire to be God over my life to be sovereign over my affairs.

But that isn't possible. I am not God. God is God and I am His child.

If there's one lesson that I feel like God has been teaching me for the longest of times, it is about trust. I am not the best at relinquishing trust and going all-in but that's exactly what Abba wants me to do, to trust Him, to go all-in with Him.

So, even on the days when I don't see clearly, on the days the water is wavy, on the days when my feet are shaky, I can trust God. I can be calm and not overthink myself into a hopeless state.
On the days when nothing makes sense, I will not worry, I will trust the mighty warrior, the One who is always victorious, the One who causes me to triumph. I will rest.
I will let God be God and rest in my place as His child. I will trust that He watches me, that He has a plan for my life and isn't just winging it when it comes to my life.

So, if there is any label that I will take on, it is the one of being God's child.
Hi, I'm Kaydo and my middle name is Peace.

Welp! This is getting more difficult. I really didn't want to write on this. I put off writing this for a couple of days, tried to change the topic but I really felt like this was what God wanted me to write on so here we go.

ATTENTION
I'm at ease when I have attention except when I am on stage and fear clumps my larynx or when I am next to a stranger and anxiety grips my tongue. And no, with all my attention-seeking thoughts and actions, I haven't feigned fainting, yet.
I do some really regular things but deep in my heart, I know that I am doing them for the attention they'll bring.

I want to say again that social media is the devil but I know that God is there too but some days I catch myself deciding to post certain things on Instagram simply because I know that it'll give me more engagement. This, in itself, is not bad. Especially if one is a content creator and your job centres around creating engaging content.

 My purpose for creating content anyway is a little different. The goal is not me, I am not the goal. Sometimes, I forget that and I begin to desire to post things that indirectly make me the goal. In those moments, I feel God nudging me, reminding me of my purpose. There's the check in my heart; are you just doing this because of what people would say to your glory or are you doing it for God?

I am not the goal, the goal is not me but sometimes I forget and the wrong motives cloud my vision. I stand and I speak and want the glory to myself. There are the days when I desire acknowledgement. The 'you spoke well', 'you spoke to me', 'thank you for sharing'. I desire all these selfishly, for myself, to fan the flame of my ego as if to say 'well-done girl, you have done it again'. Like I had the power to speak good, to speak to people, to touch lives. As if my lips weren't taught by the Father on how to speak. As if He didn't give my fingers the words to write.

I like attention and I crave it. The Father is teaching me that it isn't about me, that I don't do it for the applause or the accolades. He's teaching my heart that He is the goal. He's teaching me to focus on Him, to speak when He instructs. He's teaching me that although I possess 'wisdom' on a certain topic, it isn't wise to speak on it when He doesn't want me to.
Speaking could get me all the attention I desire but it could also mean that my attention has shifted from Him.

This is uncomfortable but I am growing.