Some people can do things and keep doing things even in extremely difficult situations. Some people can keep up with their scheduled life in the face of uncomfortable situations.

Some people... I think you get my point now.

The thing is that I am not some people.
I haven't fully learnt how to keep running when wounded or how to keep talking when my body yearns for droplets of dihydrogen monoxide. (Someone really needs to tell me that everything isn't a poem)

For real though, I haven't learnt to keep doing what I'm supposed when things aren't acting right. I don't know how to keep up with responsibilities when more urgent responsibilities are at the door. Maybe, just maybe, I haven't learnt how to multitask effectively.

I haven't been here for 3 weeks. It wasn't because I had some difficult situation to deal with, I was just busy. Honestly, I could have squeezed some time out of my busy schedule to come to share a few things with you but I didn't.

Let's put this here like I'm a fashion blogger

Stepping out of my 'busy' zone, the first couple of thoughts that flooded my mind were judgemental. It's easy to tell others not to judge you but how do you tell the choir to shut up? That their songs though harmonious, aren't what's needed now.
My mind was loud with 'see your life'. The congregational hymn was 'lazy incompetence'. And the choir seemed to like 'can you get anything right?'

A lot of the time, these unruly expectations that my mind cooks up are as a result of what my eyes have beheld in the lives of others. How they juggle several things while I can only hold two at a time, how they live super lives while I struggle with my normal.

The truth is that I don't consider myself as super! Whew! I said it, I'm not super, I'm not supergirl, or superwoman or any other superhero. My pain threshold is low and so is my threshold for stress.
I'm not excusing what people will consider laziness, I just to a certain extent know my body and understand how much stress I can take per time. In fact, I don't consider myself as lazy, I just know and prefer to focus on one or a couple of tasks at the same time and when more important tasks come, the ones that can be paused are paused.

While I learn to build my body and toughen my mind, I will do what I can and not feel bad about it.

This post is short and I know it, maybe the next one will be longer, maybe not. This may be the end of the strip show but who knows. My heart is currently bursting with ideas that my mind hasn't thought through and my mouth (or fingers) is (are) tempted to spill. Yet, I will be wise and silent.

There are moments in my walk with God when it appears like I can feel God so closely. He feels as close as the wind in my face, the clothes on my skin, shoes that hug my feet perfectly. On those days His presence feels close, it feels overwhelming, I mean, the good kind of overwhelming.

There are moments when the voice of God is always in my ear. He's speaking constantly. There are instructions here and there; go there, speak to that person, stop! There are days when before my fears appear completely, God's voice resounds in my heart, 'I am with you'.

There are moments when in spite of life's tough gbas, the joy that the Father gives appears as accurate gbos to the gbas. It is so liquidy the next person could touch it, feel it, stare in wonder as to why I would be so joyful in spite.

Those moments, those days, make my life look like a supernatural experience. Not like it isn't on other days but in those moments, I stand more convinced of the supernatural. I mean, my life looks a little like the shadow of 'Acts of the Apostles'.


There are also days when I feel nothing. I don't feel the 'presence' of God. It seems like His voice is far away. You know that cloud 9 feeling, goosebumps chilling encounters, yeah, none of them happening. I simply feel nothing.

There are days when joy seems to be far fetched and laughter is a stretch that I currently cannot afford. There are days when my lips whisper 'God is with me' but my heart finds it hard to believe because there's no wind, no clothes, no tight shoe feeling in my soul. My life may feel like a reenactment of 'Esther', only hints of God, no mention of Him.

On those days, there's the ease to believe that God isn't nearby, that the fact that I can't feel anything must be proof of some disconnect. That maybe I'm not good enough and that I haven't worked hard enough as if it was because of my works that I could 'feel' His presence.

I'm learning that that isn't the truth. I am God's child and I am His temple and that means that He dwells in me. He's no temporary resident, He has taken up home in me forever! This implies that whether I 'feel' Him or not, God is in me. God is a whole God and to reduce Him to just a feeling would be sheer ignorance.

I would love to say that I have learned completely that my life is a constant supernatural experience but the truth is that I haven't. Still, the Father is teaching my heart that this walk is not one that will be perfected by feelings, it is one that is made perfect by faith.
He is teaching me that He is still holding my hands even when it doesn't feel so.
He is teaching me that His joy is still in my heart even when my world is crashing. And maybe my world isn't crashing because He holds my world in His hands.
He is teaching me that even without the goosebumps, He still fills my heart with His love, liquid love.

So on the days when I feel Him and on the days when I feel nothing, this confidence remains, I am His temple, I am His child and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I never know how to describe myself accurately. I resort to a couple of default labels.
Hi, I'm Gift but you can call me Kaydo. I am a girl? Okay, I'm a Bible teacher, medical student, poet? I'll describe myself as an introvert on most days, extrovert when I have the energy. Overthinker is one of my most recent addition to my collection of labels.

 I like to have 'clarity' on everything so the slightest hint of dark waters causes my heart to tremble and it doesn't even matter if it's the Master who's calling me out upon the waters. My heart wants to know everything down to the last detail so on days when it feels like I don't have the full picture or when it seems like a single pixel is missing from the image, I run into a frenzy.

Overthinking is just another cute name for worry. So I'm a 'worrier'. Steadily being a warrior in battles that I don't need to fight. Thinking up multiple alternative endings for this movie I'm starring in; the movie called 'my life'.

It's difficult to live life. It really is complex. To just wing it or to ride on the wings of peace. To rest assured even in uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me to do.

Abba is constantly reminding me of the fact that the job to be all-knowing is His not mine but no, I want to be God, to be omniscient. It's why I keep googling my symptoms, trying to stay alive the longest, trying to see what others have done and would do if they were in my shoes. I forget that they are not me. Are they me? Am I they? No.
If I could have any superpower, I would like to be omniscient so that I would know how to live this thing called life. I often find myself in the headspace where I would like to have the cheat code, the past questions and in fact the definite answer to the questions life keeps throwing at me.

I forget that with all my limitations as a human, omniscience would lead to a further desire to be omnipotent and that is a quality that God, and only God, possesses.
So, subtly, my heart craves to be God. It is a hushed declaration that maybe God isn't God enough. That maybe I could do a better job at being God than God Himself. It is a silent desire to be God over my life to be sovereign over my affairs.

But that isn't possible. I am not God. God is God and I am His child.

If there's one lesson that I feel like God has been teaching me for the longest of times, it is about trust. I am not the best at relinquishing trust and going all-in but that's exactly what Abba wants me to do, to trust Him, to go all-in with Him.

So, even on the days when I don't see clearly, on the days the water is wavy, on the days when my feet are shaky, I can trust God. I can be calm and not overthink myself into a hopeless state.
On the days when nothing makes sense, I will not worry, I will trust the mighty warrior, the One who is always victorious, the One who causes me to triumph. I will rest.
I will let God be God and rest in my place as His child. I will trust that He watches me, that He has a plan for my life and isn't just winging it when it comes to my life.

So, if there is any label that I will take on, it is the one of being God's child.
Hi, I'm Kaydo and my middle name is Peace.

Welp! This is getting more difficult. I really didn't want to write on this. I put off writing this for a couple of days, tried to change the topic but I really felt like this was what God wanted me to write on so here we go.

ATTENTION
I'm at ease when I have attention except when I am on stage and fear clumps my larynx or when I am next to a stranger and anxiety grips my tongue. And no, with all my attention-seeking thoughts and actions, I haven't feigned fainting, yet.
I do some really regular things but deep in my heart, I know that I am doing them for the attention they'll bring.

I want to say again that social media is the devil but I know that God is there too but some days I catch myself deciding to post certain things on Instagram simply because I know that it'll give me more engagement. This, in itself, is not bad. Especially if one is a content creator and your job centres around creating engaging content.

 My purpose for creating content anyway is a little different. The goal is not me, I am not the goal. Sometimes, I forget that and I begin to desire to post things that indirectly make me the goal. In those moments, I feel God nudging me, reminding me of my purpose. There's the check in my heart; are you just doing this because of what people would say to your glory or are you doing it for God?

I am not the goal, the goal is not me but sometimes I forget and the wrong motives cloud my vision. I stand and I speak and want the glory to myself. There are the days when I desire acknowledgement. The 'you spoke well', 'you spoke to me', 'thank you for sharing'. I desire all these selfishly, for myself, to fan the flame of my ego as if to say 'well-done girl, you have done it again'. Like I had the power to speak good, to speak to people, to touch lives. As if my lips weren't taught by the Father on how to speak. As if He didn't give my fingers the words to write.

I like attention and I crave it. The Father is teaching me that it isn't about me, that I don't do it for the applause or the accolades. He's teaching my heart that He is the goal. He's teaching me to focus on Him, to speak when He instructs. He's teaching me that although I possess 'wisdom' on a certain topic, it isn't wise to speak on it when He doesn't want me to.
Speaking could get me all the attention I desire but it could also mean that my attention has shifted from Him.

This is uncomfortable but I am growing.

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain

First off, no, it's not that kind of jealousy. The song doesn't even apply in this context, I just remembered and thought it would make a good opening. On the other hand, most times, I am not content with what I have, with who I am, with where I am.
The truth is that I never see anything that pertains to me as enough, good enough. Because of that, I am constantly looking over my shoulders, into the next person's life. It always looks beautiful there.
My eyes have learnt to add filters to the lives of others so that they look more adorable. Who am I in light of such beauty?

The grass is greener on the other side (read, rather sing in Adekunle's voice).

I am constantly jealous, especially of my friends. I am convinced that they have it all together although they show me their struggles. But no, I block out those, I only see pure and beauty and ease. I don't have those, at least, I don't have it like they do.

I am not sure where this heart learnt jealousy from but often my response to 'great' achievements by someone who's my age or younger is 'that could be me'. There's the silent 'God when', the hushed 'why not me' that rings in my heart and sometimes spills out of my mouth.



I want to say that social media is an expression of the devil but I know that that isn't true; God lives there too. Every time I go on there, my heart finds a reason to sulk, to pause to think that I am the least amongst all men and this is not like some humility stunt.
While writing this, I took a quick Instagram break and there was the picture of this person at this place that I've always wanted to visit and my first thoughts were, awww so cute, this should be me, why didn't I go there?
Girl!! Are you okay or something? This kind of thought isn't healthy in any way.

I'm learning that I need to be honest with myself when I feel jealous. The Holy Spirit will often caution me when I am slipping into jealousy and when I'm looking down on all of the things that I have been given, on where I am, the reach I have.

Jealousy isn't a fruit of my spirit so I am teaching my heart that it doesn't belong here. I'm teaching my heart the word of God. I'm teaching my heart to be genuinely happy for others, to celebrate their success. I'm teaching my hands to work in my field. I'm teaching my feet to take steps in line with the Father's plan, in pace with Him.
So, when it looks like someone else is flying and I could fly too if the Father says to walk, I will walk, not with a heavy heart or sad spirit but with joy. I will be joyful in my journey, I will be joyful for my neighbour's also.

This is growing.