Hey there!!!!!
How are you doing? I'm currently on summer break so I have some free time. I had to do some clinical practice for one month but it's only 6 days left, yay!!!

I spend the first part of my day in the hospital and mostly the remainder of my day is spent watching K-drama (shameless).

Do you watch K-drama? 

What do you do during your free time?

One of the recurring themes in the dramas I've watched is 'dreams'. What's your dream? What's your goal? What is it that you want to do with your life?


I had a wide scope of things that I wanted from life, I mean, I still do but of course, some things have changed.

At one point in my life, I was determined that I was going to be a motivational speaker. I was ready to go all out to make that dream come true.

Currently, when someone refers to me as motivational speaker, I cringe. Why? Because I don't see myself as one and it's really not what I want to be.

You may think, 'ooomph! What's there, what's the big deal about not being a motivational speaker? What's the deal about you not being one?'
To you, it may not seem like such big a deal but to me it was.

Your dream may not sound like rainbows to everyone but you know what is it that you want.

Also, give yourself room to grow and if in the process of growth you find the need to modify some parts of your dream, why not! Don't let the thought of what people would think weigh you down.

I still want to be a speaker, the kind has definitely changed but I'm not giving myself grace and opportunity to enjoy the journey.

Dream!!!
Adjust if need be, but keep dreaming!!

With love,
Kaydo.

I always look forward to meeting with my church family. Such fellowships, for me, are a time to recharge, be strengthened and equipped to face life.

I especially love Sunday Fellowships and one of the segments I look forward to is singing hymns. There's just something about hymns. Unlike the other times of singing, there's the call to be attentive to the words that are being sung.

Does your church sing hymns too?

Do you have a favourite hymn? 

Today we sang 'Trust and Obey'

Trust and Obey 

For there's no other way 

To be happy in Jesus

Than to trust and obey.

The preacher further took his time to explain how important it was to have a heart like a child, willing to obey God every step of the way.

This is one of the many things that I've been learning lately; trusting God even when I don't understand it.
Our theme for the month is 'Complete reliance on God' and reflecting, I've seen this easily I've trusted men rather than God, how quickly I've obeyed men rather than God.

We are called to a life of surrender. A life of trusting God and obeying Him every step of the way.

What did you learn in church?

Oh hey there!
I'm back again with the posts. Yes, I know, I've been gone for way too long but can we just hug it out, please...

Let me just quickly chip in that I'm yet to perfect the skill called consistency but I'm willing to learn it.

I'm randomly adding this picture of myself just in case you forgot what I looked like.

Why the long hiatus?
Well, there was a war in my head.

Am I a blogger or am I just a writer who blogs? 

I know they sound similar but not in my head.
If I accept that I'm a blogger, it'll mean that I'm willing to go all the way, do all the optimization, do this, do that, find collaborations... The truth is that I'm too lazy for that or should I say, I was too lazy (we're declaring positively) for all the blogging shenanigans.

Also, my inconsistency was affecting my read count so I got all discouraged but now I'm delivert!

So, here I am, back like I never left.
Now, we're going to make a toast. Raise your glasses 🍷.
We will be consistent, I will write, you will read, we will share, we will converse in the comment section. Cheers!!
Clink, clink. 😂😂

4am

How long can one go without sleeping?
How long does one go without sleeping before they start to lose their mind?
I mean, I really just want to lose my mind.


*picks up phone*

I'v tried to bring myself to change my screen lock picture, my wallpaper but I can't. I just can't do. You were a huge part of my life. They keep saying that I'll get over you. They say to give it time, time heals all wounds..
..but how am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to act like the last 10years of my life didn't happen?

Everytime, I hold my phone, I see you.
Your eyes, the way they smile. That streak of grey hair in front of your head that you often pulled.

Where are you?!!!!

I just want to see that birthmark on your shoulder. I haven't brought myself to have a bath. I couldn't. I would see the tattoo on my shoulder. I would be reminded of how you teased me, how you called me 'softie' because I wanted a tatoo that was similar to your birthmark.

Tell me please,
How am I supposed to go on without you?
How?
It was just weeks ago when we drew our 10year plan. Are you telling me those plans, those plans,  thoe dreams we dreamed together, will only remain dreams?


4pm

Max has been lurking around the door, waiting for you obviously.
I can't bring myself to tell him that you're never coming back.
That you've gone,
gone for good,
gone to a better place?

I know I don't have much but you told me that you loved me with what I had. You told me what I had was enough for you, for us.


4 months after

I guess time has abandoned me because I still see my wounds. I wish Max would lick them, maybe I would heal better.


4 years later

Who's in charge of the list of people that time heals?
Did they skip my name?
Did they cancel it out?
Do they keep moving me to the bottom of the list?

Because everything keeps getting worse.
I see you, I hear you
But, no one else does.

They took me to a hospital. My doctor has been trying to convince me that you never existed but I know you, I've seen you.
I'm here now and everything that reminded me of you isn't.

It's hard to define yourself when you are a bunch of things. Scrap that, let me not over generalize; maybe some people have found it easy and have learnt the art of joggling between all of the things that they can do.
I, on the other hand, haven't learnt that. I often find myself at crossroads defining who exactly I am.

I listen to a wide range of speakers and one of the things that I have heard on repeat is that you have to specialize, be known for one thing. This, really causes a turmoil on my inside. I am like, which of the things that I do, which of the means by which I express myself do I want to focus on.
That is one question that I haven't been able to answer.

No, the questioning of my identity didn't just start today and I pretty much doubt that someone is going to give me a set of  'practical steps' or 'practical questions to ask myself' that I haven't heard before. I'm not bragging but I used to watch a lot of those kinds of speakers, read books and attend conferences. Maybe the issue isn't with them, maybe it's with me. maybe there is no issue at all.

I should pause with the vagueness for a bit.



During my summer break, I had a meet up with my friend and it happened that she was at a choir rehearsal. They invited me to join in, they asked, 'don't you sing?' Guess what my response what, 'I used to, not anymore'.
It would make more sense to someone if my voice went through some changes or I have some sort of medical condition that prevents me from singing but I had none of those. My decision to stop singing just happened one of those days when I was feeling high and thoughtful.

However, I keep finding myself lurking within the chambers of music; writing and singing.

Music is just one part of my life and within the last couple of weeks, it is something I have discovered that I really can't completely push out of my life.

I write, obviously. But that in itself is also broad.
I love the stage and I love being behind the scenes also. Does that confuse you? I hope not.

These are just a few obvious parts of myself.
The thing is from time to time, various sides of me are dominant.
There are days when the dominant side is the girl who loves God, loves His word and is called to teach. There are periods when all she wants to do is dig into the word, study and interact.
On other days, she is just interested in writing love poems.

We could just say I'm versatile huh?

What's my point?
2017 is almost finished and I'm yet to find the label that suits perfectly. Maybe there's none, maybe I'll find it.
However, as long as I live, I want to live in the full expression of everyone of my sides, gifts and skills.
Diverse, they may be, still I will express them.

So who am I?
I am Gift Ogwa, Kaydo, Teacher, Poet, Writer, Singer, Sister and more..

Your Sister.