I'm starting to feel like this was a bad decision. Who said that I couldn't be accountable and intentionally watch my thoughts without having to write about it for the world to see? This is not the first time that I've had such kinds of mini-regret thoughts. But what exactly is there to lose? I'm documenting my battles while sharpening my writing skills so what is there to lose? Nothing girl, just breathe.

Let's begin

Сьогодні

I told myself that I was going to start doing this from the first of December. It is the second already and the time is 16:38. I don't know if I'll publish this today but here goes nothing.

The Problem

Recently I noticed that I have a bit of a problem. Maybe not just a bit but the thing is that there's a problem somewhere. I used to pride myself as one who wouldn't get anxious years ago. In recent days, anxiety seems to have gotten a hold of me. My mind is always running in circles, leaving me exhausted even after doing practically nothing all day.
This is my first problem. I let overthinking fill my mind; pondering on the minute things and not exactly giving much thought to the more important things. One would think that since I have made a habit of overthinking that I would think a lot about my life, make plans for even my day but that's not so. I decide to drink daily from the cup of 'I cannot come and go and kill myself'.

It started off as a way to curb my anxious thoughts but slowly it has turned into a medium for.. what's the word, not being preoccupied? avoiding life? I don't remember but I hope you get me. So, the moments when my mind can be silent, I fill them with random emptiness, moments of; funny videos, Netflix series, endless scrolling through the highlights of others and then starting to feel sorry for myself.

My second problem is that when I eventually give room for my thoughts, I think the least of myself. There's a bully in my head. The bully is me. I never think that I'm good enough or reaching enough or that I'm reaching anyone. I rarely think that I am on the right track at the least or that I'm making progress.
My mind often amplifies the mistakes that I make and never believes in the moves that I'll make. I always have a smile on my face when my friends tell me how good I am but I rarely ever believe them. Maybe it's a way of protecting my heart. From what? I do not know.

The Solution?

Whew! See eh, I was taken aback a bit by that response but I didn't hesitate to realize that it was indeed true.

I'm not sure if the concept of a noisy mind is clear to you so I'll explain a bit.
My mind is said to be noisy when it is in fact, noisy. Cares and worries flood my mind. There are several thoughts on my mind once I am awake. Most of all, my mind is fixed on the least important things for the most part and there's really no space left for the major things to bloom.



Since I've started exposing myself on the street, I might as well continue. Let me tell you what has been making my mind noisy. Guy! It's not what you're thinking, nothing major happened to me. I'm so shy about saying this but it's my phone and movies. I know, I know, at my age, it's phone that's occupying my mind.
I was trying before, in fact, I had broken the cycle and I wouldn't check my phone when I woke up till I had finished my devotion and was ready to face my day but dears, this phone has tied me down.

You know what, I'll write a whole blog post on my phone addiction and how I'm dealing with it but for now, let's go back to my noisy mind. I had time to think and meditate on everything but God. I even gave time to thinking about service and ministry but there wasn't any stillness and focus on Abba.

How am I decluttering my mind?

• Spend your time right; pray and study. The things I spend my time doing create a great influence on what my mind is fixed on. I cannot want to hear Papa's voice clearly and then not spend time with Him. I mean, it makes sense to recognise my dad's voice since I grew up hearing it, how much more Papa. This is how I learn His voice, by reading His word; His voice is clearest there. 

• Pick your thoughts right; meditate on the word. As much as it seems like thinking is such a passive action, the passiveness of your thoughts are a cumulative effects of the things that you've done actively. (I know, even I am confused). My point is that if I want the word of God to be in my default thoughts, I have to actively train my mind to think in line with it.

• Feed your mind right; music and sermons. I can't be feeding on trash and expecting to grow healthy. I cannot be watching just series and expect to hear the voice of God in the midst of things. My dear, you will hear the voice of Mr Bean (pun intended). I intentionally listen to sermons and Christian music. Music plays an important role in leading your thoughts. Just try it, take a fast on secular music for a while and listen to just gospel songs; that thing does something to you.

SPF is the key guys.😂

It may not be that God is silent, your heart may just be fixed on so many other things that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that He isn't speaking, you may just have dulled your heart, noised your mind that you don't hear His voice.
It may not be that God is silent, you just have gotten too caught up in your world that you forgot to read His word.

Some people can do things and keep doing things even in extremely difficult situations. Some people can keep up with their scheduled life in the face of uncomfortable situations.

Some people... I think you get my point now.

The thing is that I am not some people.
I haven't fully learnt how to keep running when wounded or how to keep talking when my body yearns for droplets of dihydrogen monoxide. (Someone really needs to tell me that everything isn't a poem)

For real though, I haven't learnt to keep doing what I'm supposed when things aren't acting right. I don't know how to keep up with responsibilities when more urgent responsibilities are at the door. Maybe, just maybe, I haven't learnt how to multitask effectively.

I haven't been here for 3 weeks. It wasn't because I had some difficult situation to deal with, I was just busy. Honestly, I could have squeezed some time out of my busy schedule to come to share a few things with you but I didn't.

Let's put this here like I'm a fashion blogger

Stepping out of my 'busy' zone, the first couple of thoughts that flooded my mind were judgemental. It's easy to tell others not to judge you but how do you tell the choir to shut up? That their songs though harmonious, aren't what's needed now.
My mind was loud with 'see your life'. The congregational hymn was 'lazy incompetence'. And the choir seemed to like 'can you get anything right?'

A lot of the time, these unruly expectations that my mind cooks up are as a result of what my eyes have beheld in the lives of others. How they juggle several things while I can only hold two at a time, how they live super lives while I struggle with my normal.

The truth is that I don't consider myself as super! Whew! I said it, I'm not super, I'm not supergirl, or superwoman or any other superhero. My pain threshold is low and so is my threshold for stress.
I'm not excusing what people will consider laziness, I just to a certain extent know my body and understand how much stress I can take per time. In fact, I don't consider myself as lazy, I just know and prefer to focus on one or a couple of tasks at the same time and when more important tasks come, the ones that can be paused are paused.

While I learn to build my body and toughen my mind, I will do what I can and not feel bad about it.

This post is short and I know it, maybe the next one will be longer, maybe not. This may be the end of the strip show but who knows. My heart is currently bursting with ideas that my mind hasn't thought through and my mouth (or fingers) is (are) tempted to spill. Yet, I will be wise and silent.

There are moments in my walk with God when it appears like I can feel God so closely. He feels as close as the wind in my face, the clothes on my skin, shoes that hug my feet perfectly. On those days His presence feels close, it feels overwhelming, I mean, the good kind of overwhelming.

There are moments when the voice of God is always in my ear. He's speaking constantly. There are instructions here and there; go there, speak to that person, stop! There are days when before my fears appear completely, God's voice resounds in my heart, 'I am with you'.

There are moments when in spite of life's tough gbas, the joy that the Father gives appears as accurate gbos to the gbas. It is so liquidy the next person could touch it, feel it, stare in wonder as to why I would be so joyful in spite.

Those moments, those days, make my life look like a supernatural experience. Not like it isn't on other days but in those moments, I stand more convinced of the supernatural. I mean, my life looks a little like the shadow of 'Acts of the Apostles'.


There are also days when I feel nothing. I don't feel the 'presence' of God. It seems like His voice is far away. You know that cloud 9 feeling, goosebumps chilling encounters, yeah, none of them happening. I simply feel nothing.

There are days when joy seems to be far fetched and laughter is a stretch that I currently cannot afford. There are days when my lips whisper 'God is with me' but my heart finds it hard to believe because there's no wind, no clothes, no tight shoe feeling in my soul. My life may feel like a reenactment of 'Esther', only hints of God, no mention of Him.

On those days, there's the ease to believe that God isn't nearby, that the fact that I can't feel anything must be proof of some disconnect. That maybe I'm not good enough and that I haven't worked hard enough as if it was because of my works that I could 'feel' His presence.

I'm learning that that isn't the truth. I am God's child and I am His temple and that means that He dwells in me. He's no temporary resident, He has taken up home in me forever! This implies that whether I 'feel' Him or not, God is in me. God is a whole God and to reduce Him to just a feeling would be sheer ignorance.

I would love to say that I have learned completely that my life is a constant supernatural experience but the truth is that I haven't. Still, the Father is teaching my heart that this walk is not one that will be perfected by feelings, it is one that is made perfect by faith.
He is teaching me that He is still holding my hands even when it doesn't feel so.
He is teaching me that His joy is still in my heart even when my world is crashing. And maybe my world isn't crashing because He holds my world in His hands.
He is teaching me that even without the goosebumps, He still fills my heart with His love, liquid love.

So on the days when I feel Him and on the days when I feel nothing, this confidence remains, I am His temple, I am His child and He will never leave me nor forsake me.